So, many people don't realize this, but I'm an introvert.
What does this mean?
Basically it means that I regain my energy by doing things on my own. For me, recharging happens when I can be alone... reading, thinking, playing on the internet, taking a walk, for the most part, anything I do by my self - except tasks (chores, errands, etc).
I know, I know, if you are a typical extrovert, you are shaking your head and thinking - wow, that stuff drains me! So, think about this... What is it that energizes you? is it sports? parties, hanging out with people, going bowling? Yes? I thought so. That is the very stuff that drains me. Don't get me wrong, I like doing those things. But when I get home, I take a deep breath and spend some time with just me, because no matter how much I like you or how much fun I was having - my batteries were getting drained.
I like people. I care about people. I do best in one on one situations, or in cases where it is just a few of us.
Now that I know how deeply ingrained this is in me, I can ask God to help me during times where I am people or task saturated. He can help me get past my grouchiness, my lack of desire to be around everyone when I am just tanked out. I know that he can love everyone through me, regardless of how tired I am, or what my attitude is that day.
I am SO thankful that I don't have to rely on me to do this! I am even more thankful that He can do this because I know He will give me words to speak. I'm so greatful for His presence in my life!
What does all this have to do with saying goodbye?
Tons.
yesterday marked 1 week until I move from Austin. I don't think I have ever felt so sad to be leaving a place in my life. I love Austin. I have since I stepped off the plane the first time I visited. There is something about this crazy, WIERD city that just does it for me. To me there is this amazing feel to this city. It is progressive, intellectual, a bit on the hippy (yes like the 60's) side, a little new age, and yet it is God's city. I love it here. It is physically beautiful. Lots of green grass and trees all over the place. The skyline lights me up. I love the shapes, the lights, the different buildings. Town Lake (Lady Bird Lake to others) reflects the skyline, and during sunset it lights up all orange. Wow. Stunning. The landscape is rolling hills, roads curve around and take you in a different direction than you think they will.
I love love love love love this place.
Saying goodbye to everyone here is hard on several levels. So, if I have been cranky or grumpy lately it is because I am spending a ton of time away from home, partying, chatting, praying with people - talking, playing games and in general spending no time with me. I'm doing relatively well.
and then there is today. Today I am feeling SO tired! (I'm guessing part of that is the crappy food I ate last night) but I have declared today to be a phone free, email free, facebook free zone. I am going to get home, watch a movie, and just relax. Ok. maybe do some laundry... but I really need to get that done too!
I would go to a coffee shop, but I know that I will possibly bump into someone I know. Nope, home is safer.
:)
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Monday, May 09, 2011
God has not forgotten you...
Recently a friend of mine posted on her Facebook page:
God loves you. God loves you. God loves you. God doesn't reject you, hasn't forgotten you, isn't punishing you. God loves you.
What a great reminder.
There have been many times when I felt lonely, left behind, forgotten - or even just getting the "left overs" when it came to God's provision and promises. Sometimes that's because God's discipline was in place, not due to what I had done - but what it would bring me down the road. He has held things back from me while He refined me, changed me, grew me, and asked me to be closer to Him. I don't fully understand how much I am loved by God, and I suspect I won't until Glory.
However, I like to think that the struggles I face, and the challenges that are overcome are not done so through my efforts. They are overcome when I rely on God to handle them for me. This does not mean that I tramp through life, letting things happen. In fact, it means the opposite. I consider all things (ok, working on that) through Christ. I go to him with just about everything. I ask him questions, love on Him, and over all Trust him to guide me in the way I should go.
I have not always liked where I was led (at the time) but in retrospect, every thing He has done I have ended up understanding and appreciating.
So that "one thing" that I wish had not happened is now a beacon of God's provision and faithfulness. I pray that He continues to open my eyes so I may see more clearly how and where He is working.
God loves you. God loves you. God loves you. God doesn't reject you, hasn't forgotten you, isn't punishing you. God loves you.
What a great reminder.
There have been many times when I felt lonely, left behind, forgotten - or even just getting the "left overs" when it came to God's provision and promises. Sometimes that's because God's discipline was in place, not due to what I had done - but what it would bring me down the road. He has held things back from me while He refined me, changed me, grew me, and asked me to be closer to Him. I don't fully understand how much I am loved by God, and I suspect I won't until Glory.
However, I like to think that the struggles I face, and the challenges that are overcome are not done so through my efforts. They are overcome when I rely on God to handle them for me. This does not mean that I tramp through life, letting things happen. In fact, it means the opposite. I consider all things (ok, working on that) through Christ. I go to him with just about everything. I ask him questions, love on Him, and over all Trust him to guide me in the way I should go.
I have not always liked where I was led (at the time) but in retrospect, every thing He has done I have ended up understanding and appreciating.
So that "one thing" that I wish had not happened is now a beacon of God's provision and faithfulness. I pray that He continues to open my eyes so I may see more clearly how and where He is working.
Friday, May 06, 2011
Approval of Man
Tuesday night I got my hair cut. It was a drastic change. I went from long curly hair to short straight hair. Several people did not recognize me. How wonderfully flattering! It felt great getting all that attention - just because I chose to make a change on the outside.
When I got home, I realized that the approval of others, especially a few who are close to me, was very important to me. I wanted them to like what I had done. Heck, most of the time I cut my hair, no one notices. Because I always do the same old thing. The motive behind cutting my hair was not to get attention. Frankly, it had gotten long, and with an upcoming move to Arizona, I felt that summer hair was the way to go. I went with something different than my norm as well. This was more a reflection of the new, bolder me. The one who makes choices based on what she wants, not based on a complex series of thought and pondering. The one who wanted to try something new, even if it is more daring.
See, even now, I am making excuses, explaining why I chose to cut this off! Frankly, it's just hair!
But if that's the case, why does it make me feel so much better? It's that approval idol creeping up on me and smacking me on the back of the head.
So this bit of rambling is just that... ramble, ramble, ramble.
Thank you Jesus, for showing me just how much I seek that approval. Please help me to let go of it. Thank you!
When I got home, I realized that the approval of others, especially a few who are close to me, was very important to me. I wanted them to like what I had done. Heck, most of the time I cut my hair, no one notices. Because I always do the same old thing. The motive behind cutting my hair was not to get attention. Frankly, it had gotten long, and with an upcoming move to Arizona, I felt that summer hair was the way to go. I went with something different than my norm as well. This was more a reflection of the new, bolder me. The one who makes choices based on what she wants, not based on a complex series of thought and pondering. The one who wanted to try something new, even if it is more daring.
See, even now, I am making excuses, explaining why I chose to cut this off! Frankly, it's just hair!
But if that's the case, why does it make me feel so much better? It's that approval idol creeping up on me and smacking me on the back of the head.
So this bit of rambling is just that... ramble, ramble, ramble.
Thank you Jesus, for showing me just how much I seek that approval. Please help me to let go of it. Thank you!
Saturday, March 05, 2011
foolish plans of mere mortals.
I have enrolled in a photography class given through my church. Yes, through my church. There are 2 units to this class working congruent to one another. The class as a whole is about storytelling. There is a unit for writers and a unit for photographers.
The point of this class is to learn how we can use our talents and artistry to show off what God is doing, and share His glory. The second goal is to get better at the technical aspects of my craft. I am excited about both these goals. As an artist, I feel that my gifts are often overlooked, or don't really have a place except to make cheap knockoffs of what is already out there. I serve the God who created the universe and everything in it. If I am made in his image, then some of his creativity lives in me too. I have struggled with how to use that, and in fact, how to tap into it (in many instances).
My first week of class was great, we had discussions surrounding what I have written above. This week, we discussed more about our purpose, and about story in general. then we were given an assignment. We have to create 5-10 new photographs that tell the story of our life from a 10,000ft view (overview?).
At first, I was overwhelmed. Luckily a good friend helped me brainstorm and gave me some great ideas about how this series is going to work. I have about 8 ideas, with rough ideas for a few more (hoping that editing goes smoothly). Thursday morning, i sat down and made an outline of what i wanted, then created a shooting schedule. So far, I have 1 down. 2 of my scheduled shoots have been postponed, 1 due to missing props, and 1 due to weather. I am by no means deterred. Tomorrow I have planned to get most of them done. I'm pretty excited to see how the rest of this shoot goes.
I am excited about this one enough to print them and hang them as a series on my wall. Just so that God can remind me of who I am.
The point of this class is to learn how we can use our talents and artistry to show off what God is doing, and share His glory. The second goal is to get better at the technical aspects of my craft. I am excited about both these goals. As an artist, I feel that my gifts are often overlooked, or don't really have a place except to make cheap knockoffs of what is already out there. I serve the God who created the universe and everything in it. If I am made in his image, then some of his creativity lives in me too. I have struggled with how to use that, and in fact, how to tap into it (in many instances).
My first week of class was great, we had discussions surrounding what I have written above. This week, we discussed more about our purpose, and about story in general. then we were given an assignment. We have to create 5-10 new photographs that tell the story of our life from a 10,000ft view (overview?).
At first, I was overwhelmed. Luckily a good friend helped me brainstorm and gave me some great ideas about how this series is going to work. I have about 8 ideas, with rough ideas for a few more (hoping that editing goes smoothly). Thursday morning, i sat down and made an outline of what i wanted, then created a shooting schedule. So far, I have 1 down. 2 of my scheduled shoots have been postponed, 1 due to missing props, and 1 due to weather. I am by no means deterred. Tomorrow I have planned to get most of them done. I'm pretty excited to see how the rest of this shoot goes.
I am excited about this one enough to print them and hang them as a series on my wall. Just so that God can remind me of who I am.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Back and forth...
Back in August, I realized that God was leading me to move back to Arizona.
I realized at the time that it would be a difficult move, because there are many things in Austin that have taken hold of my heart.
I love that city! I love that it has a hippie edge to it. I love that they support small businesses, that there are trees EVERYWHERE, that the city seems to accept everyone. I love that I can go see live music anytime, in venues that are as varied as the city itself. I don't think I have ever felt as at home in a city as I do that one.
but...
family, my Godkids, friends -- and they all live in the Phoenix area.
God allowed me to fall on my face, several times and in different ways. He has drawn me to Him. Maybe that is what I love most of all. That God used a city that does not live for Him, that rejects our Christian values and beliefs, to bring me into a place where I depend on Him. Where I realize that He has made the plans and that in everything that happens He is sovereign. He knows what He has planned, and I can't mess that up. I have learned to relax into that - for the most part. there are still things that cause me anxiety, but not near as many as before.
I don't know what God has planned for my time in Phoenix. I can't see much past where I will be living, and what I will be doing when I get there permanently.
So now to the back and forth. Since the end of October, I have spent 2 1/2 months in Phoenix staying with my dad. This last trip was only supposed to be a few weeks. I had to delay my return by a month. I am currently in the middle of my final trip back to Austin. I like the drive. I don't mind spending many hours alone in a car, driving across country. In fact, I like it. I like seeing the scenery, watching what cars are around me, seeing who is making the whole trip. More, I like to arrive at my destination. I like getting home, putting stuff away, and relaxing.
This trip I am entertained by a variety of music. Tomorrow, I am planning to listen to some sermons by Mark Driscoll. I am also going to listen to ones from the Stone to catch up on what's been going on there while I have been away.
When I get there I have several goals.
1. I want to finish and post my video for Biggest Loser.
2. I want to get some great photos of the bluebonnets.
3. I want to get to Dallas one last time - and stop at exit 353 on the way home. :)
I have been trying to sell my 94 Jeep. It's not as easy as it seems. The last person who saw it was interested, but they wanted it to be in perfect condition. Its 17 years old! It can't possibly be perfect. But, that's ok. God knows who is supposed to have this vehicle.
we shall see.
I am also watching people around me struggle - too many to mention here. Its interesting praying for them all, asking for miracles, hoping for them, but holding back and waiting, rather than expecting God to move. the balance there is rough. I know He can do anything, but it's hard to see what He is doing, and sometimes hard to know how to pray for what is to come.
I realized at the time that it would be a difficult move, because there are many things in Austin that have taken hold of my heart.
I love that city! I love that it has a hippie edge to it. I love that they support small businesses, that there are trees EVERYWHERE, that the city seems to accept everyone. I love that I can go see live music anytime, in venues that are as varied as the city itself. I don't think I have ever felt as at home in a city as I do that one.
but...
family, my Godkids, friends -- and they all live in the Phoenix area.
God allowed me to fall on my face, several times and in different ways. He has drawn me to Him. Maybe that is what I love most of all. That God used a city that does not live for Him, that rejects our Christian values and beliefs, to bring me into a place where I depend on Him. Where I realize that He has made the plans and that in everything that happens He is sovereign. He knows what He has planned, and I can't mess that up. I have learned to relax into that - for the most part. there are still things that cause me anxiety, but not near as many as before.
I don't know what God has planned for my time in Phoenix. I can't see much past where I will be living, and what I will be doing when I get there permanently.
So now to the back and forth. Since the end of October, I have spent 2 1/2 months in Phoenix staying with my dad. This last trip was only supposed to be a few weeks. I had to delay my return by a month. I am currently in the middle of my final trip back to Austin. I like the drive. I don't mind spending many hours alone in a car, driving across country. In fact, I like it. I like seeing the scenery, watching what cars are around me, seeing who is making the whole trip. More, I like to arrive at my destination. I like getting home, putting stuff away, and relaxing.
This trip I am entertained by a variety of music. Tomorrow, I am planning to listen to some sermons by Mark Driscoll. I am also going to listen to ones from the Stone to catch up on what's been going on there while I have been away.
When I get there I have several goals.
1. I want to finish and post my video for Biggest Loser.
2. I want to get some great photos of the bluebonnets.
3. I want to get to Dallas one last time - and stop at exit 353 on the way home. :)
I have been trying to sell my 94 Jeep. It's not as easy as it seems. The last person who saw it was interested, but they wanted it to be in perfect condition. Its 17 years old! It can't possibly be perfect. But, that's ok. God knows who is supposed to have this vehicle.
we shall see.
I am also watching people around me struggle - too many to mention here. Its interesting praying for them all, asking for miracles, hoping for them, but holding back and waiting, rather than expecting God to move. the balance there is rough. I know He can do anything, but it's hard to see what He is doing, and sometimes hard to know how to pray for what is to come.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Amigurumi
I like crafting. Crocheting specifically.
Recently I was at my friends house and she showed me these wonderful projects that she had been working on. They were the most adorable animals made from crochet. Of course, I had to look them up.
It seems that the original idea was Japanese and the designs were meant to be knit. Some enterprising woman, created all these wonderful crochet designs that are well...wonderful! I bought a few books from Amazon, and brought them with me (along with a small yarn stash) to AZ with me.
So far, I have made a cupcake, a cup of coffee, a monkey, and an elephant. They really are easy, taking a few hours each for the first run through of the design, and are going to make wonderful gifts!
I'm pretty excited about that.
I am going to take them to the hospital with me so that I can work on them while Dad is in surgery. I hope I can get at least one more design done to add to my collection.
I love finding new ways to be creative!
Recently I was at my friends house and she showed me these wonderful projects that she had been working on. They were the most adorable animals made from crochet. Of course, I had to look them up.
It seems that the original idea was Japanese and the designs were meant to be knit. Some enterprising woman, created all these wonderful crochet designs that are well...wonderful! I bought a few books from Amazon, and brought them with me (along with a small yarn stash) to AZ with me.
So far, I have made a cupcake, a cup of coffee, a monkey, and an elephant. They really are easy, taking a few hours each for the first run through of the design, and are going to make wonderful gifts!
I'm pretty excited about that.
I am going to take them to the hospital with me so that I can work on them while Dad is in surgery. I hope I can get at least one more design done to add to my collection.
I love finding new ways to be creative!
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Home again...
I have been in Arizona just over a week now. It is about as I thought it would be. I am spending a lot of time at home. I am doing some cleaning, trying to get stuff in order, basically trying to prepare for my actual move here.
I did go see a movie with a friend, went to dinner with a couple and their little girl. I made the little girl cry big alligator tears.
I have checked out a new church. I enjoyed myself. God was there, it was amazing! Just as it always is when he shows up.
I have been invited to the same church by two completely unrelated people. Why? I don't know. Is that God speaking? could be... we shall see. I will have to wait until next weekend to have more information.
Preachers I am listening to right now:
Mark Driscoll
Matt Carter
John Piper
Matt Chandler
Driscoll is so blunt that I love it.
Carter, love him so much.
John Piper makes me thing. (as they all do) but he confounds me sometimes. I have to go back and relisten so that I can make sure I understood what he said.
Chandler - not sure about him yet. I like him, but have not delved into his messages yet.
I have no idea what awaits me here. I can't wait for God to show off what he is planning.
I did go see a movie with a friend, went to dinner with a couple and their little girl. I made the little girl cry big alligator tears.
I have checked out a new church. I enjoyed myself. God was there, it was amazing! Just as it always is when he shows up.
I have been invited to the same church by two completely unrelated people. Why? I don't know. Is that God speaking? could be... we shall see. I will have to wait until next weekend to have more information.
Preachers I am listening to right now:
Mark Driscoll
Matt Carter
John Piper
Matt Chandler
Driscoll is so blunt that I love it.
Carter, love him so much.
John Piper makes me thing. (as they all do) but he confounds me sometimes. I have to go back and relisten so that I can make sure I understood what he said.
Chandler - not sure about him yet. I like him, but have not delved into his messages yet.
I have no idea what awaits me here. I can't wait for God to show off what he is planning.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Arizona
It's done.
My time in Austin is drawing to a close. I did not think it would be so soon (4 years) I would be happy to say here the rest of my days. However, I know that God does not often allow that. I know that he brings us places for the good of the Kingdom, and we don't always understand what has been going on.
I think of my time here as my wilderness experience. It saddens me to leave, I love this place. There are many people I have befriended who have made amazing impacts on my life. I will miss them.
On the other hand, I am excited to go back to Arizona. I get to spend time with my family, with good friends, and with my God-sons. I get to know them! I am so excited about that. I also feel that God is asking me to start a home church. Get to know other believers, and spend time with them in the Word, soaking it up. Living it out. Sharing it with others.
So, these next few months are filled with sorting, and selling. Preparing, packing, and squeezing every drop of Austin experiences out of the time I have left.
My time in Austin is drawing to a close. I did not think it would be so soon (4 years) I would be happy to say here the rest of my days. However, I know that God does not often allow that. I know that he brings us places for the good of the Kingdom, and we don't always understand what has been going on.
I think of my time here as my wilderness experience. It saddens me to leave, I love this place. There are many people I have befriended who have made amazing impacts on my life. I will miss them.
On the other hand, I am excited to go back to Arizona. I get to spend time with my family, with good friends, and with my God-sons. I get to know them! I am so excited about that. I also feel that God is asking me to start a home church. Get to know other believers, and spend time with them in the Word, soaking it up. Living it out. Sharing it with others.
So, these next few months are filled with sorting, and selling. Preparing, packing, and squeezing every drop of Austin experiences out of the time I have left.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Reminders.
It's been almost 4 years since I moved to Texas.
During that time much has changed, but have I?
I have to say that I have.
I have heard a lot recently that God will allow you to go through a lot to bring you closer to Him. For me, that has not been as much as some, but more than I wanted - that's for sure!
Who was God to me when I moved here? I will say that I knew Him, believed in Him, was trying to live for Him. However, the relationship I had heard about, the depth of knowing, and being in Him was missing. I did not understand (and in many ways still don't) how much I was missing His presence in my life.
God brought me here to allow Him to change my heart, to challenge my life, and to help me remove the blinders I had on.
I sang on a stage because I could. Because I knew that was something I was good at. I did sing to God sometimes, but not near as often as I could have. Often I was distracted; thinking about cues and being thrilled by harmonies; and even thinking about what other people were doing/feeling. I was not often taken up and focussing completly on my God, on the one who gives me life! I have tears welling in my eyes as I type this.
I had thought that the best thing I could do with my life - and amazingly enough the only thing that will fill my empty parts - would be to get married, raise children, and love my husband. I yearned for it SO much that I raised it to idol status. I put it in front of my relationship with Christ, I used it as a measure of my self esteem, and even judged my worth based on how many of my friends were still single or in relatinships. You know - on that score sheet, I could not help but lose. God has not yet shown me who or if I will spend any of my life married. I do want that, but I know and am trying to trust that He knows what is best.
That is an amazing struggle. To let go and trust that God is working all this out for the best life, and for the best for His kingdom. I am sometimes not resigned to spending the rest of my life as a single woman. I worry about lonliness, and am concerned about retirement, and yes, sometimes my self worth is wrapped up in worldly things and measurements. I find it very hard to look at myself as valuable to God, loved by Him. I often don't think of Him through the days, minute by minute, knowing that He is in every detail of my day - from my dead car battery to the customer who screamed at me for her husband's mistake.
Currently I have Shane and Shane, Psalms in my ear.
the song - the Answer just came on. Here are the lyrics:
I've tried more of me
and I've come up dry
trading You for things
things that go away
My happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
Ihave found the answer is to love Youand be loved by You alone
Alright! Alright ! Alright!
You crucify me and the world to me
and I will only boast in you
Alright! Alright! Yeah!
I'm so satisfied
at the thought of You
growing up in me
covering everything
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
*************************
What beautiful words!
I used to be the person who drew attention to things about me before others could because I NEEDED the attention, or the approval, or both. It's not like that now. It is easier for me to let it go when I feel the need to say something about my new haircut, or to be loud in a conversation just because I feel I won't be heard. I have done that and more.
God has been healing my heart and my soul.
I am reading in Hebrews right now, and I found the following in Chapter 4.
Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. 2For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.
A call to faith. A requirement to trust. A reminder to rest. Rest!
To rest, recharge, to allow God to restore my soul one day during the week. Do I let HIm? Not as often as I should, but I am making steps - everything is steps with me. rarely do I just jump right in. (even though it may seem that I do) I know God can do things immediately, however, will he? not often, at least not in my case. and that could have everything to do with how stubborn I am.
So today, I remember to thank God for all He has done for me. To rest in His restoring power, and especially to try and feel that I am loved truly and deeply by God.
Amazing.
During that time much has changed, but have I?
I have to say that I have.
I have heard a lot recently that God will allow you to go through a lot to bring you closer to Him. For me, that has not been as much as some, but more than I wanted - that's for sure!
Who was God to me when I moved here? I will say that I knew Him, believed in Him, was trying to live for Him. However, the relationship I had heard about, the depth of knowing, and being in Him was missing. I did not understand (and in many ways still don't) how much I was missing His presence in my life.
God brought me here to allow Him to change my heart, to challenge my life, and to help me remove the blinders I had on.
I sang on a stage because I could. Because I knew that was something I was good at. I did sing to God sometimes, but not near as often as I could have. Often I was distracted; thinking about cues and being thrilled by harmonies; and even thinking about what other people were doing/feeling. I was not often taken up and focussing completly on my God, on the one who gives me life! I have tears welling in my eyes as I type this.
I had thought that the best thing I could do with my life - and amazingly enough the only thing that will fill my empty parts - would be to get married, raise children, and love my husband. I yearned for it SO much that I raised it to idol status. I put it in front of my relationship with Christ, I used it as a measure of my self esteem, and even judged my worth based on how many of my friends were still single or in relatinships. You know - on that score sheet, I could not help but lose. God has not yet shown me who or if I will spend any of my life married. I do want that, but I know and am trying to trust that He knows what is best.
That is an amazing struggle. To let go and trust that God is working all this out for the best life, and for the best for His kingdom. I am sometimes not resigned to spending the rest of my life as a single woman. I worry about lonliness, and am concerned about retirement, and yes, sometimes my self worth is wrapped up in worldly things and measurements. I find it very hard to look at myself as valuable to God, loved by Him. I often don't think of Him through the days, minute by minute, knowing that He is in every detail of my day - from my dead car battery to the customer who screamed at me for her husband's mistake.
Currently I have Shane and Shane, Psalms in my ear.
the song - the Answer just came on. Here are the lyrics:
I've tried more of me
and I've come up dry
trading You for things
things that go away
My happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
Ihave found the answer is to love Youand be loved by You alone
Alright! Alright ! Alright!
You crucify me and the world to me
and I will only boast in you
Alright! Alright! Yeah!
I'm so satisfied
at the thought of You
growing up in me
covering everything
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
*************************
What beautiful words!
I used to be the person who drew attention to things about me before others could because I NEEDED the attention, or the approval, or both. It's not like that now. It is easier for me to let it go when I feel the need to say something about my new haircut, or to be loud in a conversation just because I feel I won't be heard. I have done that and more.
God has been healing my heart and my soul.
I am reading in Hebrews right now, and I found the following in Chapter 4.
Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. 2For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.
A call to faith. A requirement to trust. A reminder to rest. Rest!
To rest, recharge, to allow God to restore my soul one day during the week. Do I let HIm? Not as often as I should, but I am making steps - everything is steps with me. rarely do I just jump right in. (even though it may seem that I do) I know God can do things immediately, however, will he? not often, at least not in my case. and that could have everything to do with how stubborn I am.
So today, I remember to thank God for all He has done for me. To rest in His restoring power, and especially to try and feel that I am loved truly and deeply by God.
Amazing.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
April showers bring growth.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and in preparation for this day of Thanks, I am reflecting on the past year.
God has been moving in mighty ways this year, and I feel incredibly awed by all He has done.
At the beginning of this year, I was going through my emotional roller coaster. Again. and again...and again. I had gotten to a point where I was considering seeing a professional to see about something to even this out a bit. I did not have many "normal" days. Normal to me means somewhat even keel, with no emotional spikes. As soon as I thought about that, things evened out for a while. I don't know if that was God or if that was Satan backing off so that I would not go to the Recovery ministry at my church.
April of this year, I lost a good friend, Mikee. To think about him and his antics brings a smile to my face. Mikee was in a worship band with me, and he taught me the finer points of playing a tambourine. Yes, there ARE finer points! :) Mikee was a very special man and I still miss him. I look forward to seeing him in heaven. I went to Arizona for the funeral, and the week that followed was pretty close to my version of hell on earth. There was no funeral. The family had to raise money. I was feeling empathy for the family, and at the same time trying to begin mourning a friend when no one else was ready to do that - for obvious reasons. I dreaded returning to Texas and trying to deal with his death when there was no one (who knew him) to share it with. I also did not want to burden the other with my need when they had been dealing with the enormity of our friend's passing for months. They needed a breather more than I needed to grieve with them.
During that visit, I had to confront a friend about a long term behavior that I did not like, and had not liked for a long time. It was very stressful for me as I don't like confrontation, especially if I think I'm going to be attacked for my efforts. Well, I was, but I stood up for myself and we resolved the problem, and we are still friends. That was a LOT of stress though.
The third thing about sent me off the edge. My father was in a motorcycle accident. That day we had met for dinner at a favorite restaurant of ours. After we finished we were going to back to church for a Bible study. If all had gone as normal, I would have been following him when it happened. I honestly don't know what would have happened if I had been. Thinking of that reminds me of how thankful I am that the bike stalled a few times when my father was trying to leave the place we had been. Thankfully my safety-conscious father was wearing all the right gear. His leather jacket was all scraped up, his helmet had to be replaced, and his jeans were not salvagable after the ER got through with them. He was diagnosed with 4 broken ribs. He was admitted to the hospital, and I spent the rest of my time in Arizona sitting in the hospital with my father. Unfortunately I had to leave before he was discharged from the hospital, and that was insanely hard. I did not want to leave him like that, but the consequences of staying were not ones I wanted to face when I returned home.
When I returned, it was right back into my normal life. I did not want to. My little trip had drained me. I knew I still needed to take the time to grieve and think and pray, but my week was SO busy I did not have time. I had scheduled time to deal with this.
I also realized that at no time during the week did I turn to my strength, my protector, the author and perfecter of my days to ask for help, to admit my weaknesses, and for healing and protection. Ok once...but only once. That realization broke my heart.
And that was when Daddy Dave came into the picture. I shared with him what was going on, my frustration with it, and that I don't feel grounded at all. He recommended that I check out the recovery group. It is for people who are suffering with just about anything and are not in a perfect relationship with Christ. That sounded great to me. Anything to get my life under control. Anything to help me deal with this and get back on track...and maybe even a bit better than before.
What I did not know (thank God) was that it was a 12 step program. Now there is nothing wrong with 12 step programs, I had a bad attitude towards them. I did not think that I needed a 12 step plan.
The first week a woman shared her story, and I recognized some of my life in that story. God was telling me to stay put! Over the next several months, God has been showing me that
1. I have made a mess of my life, and I make a pretty poor manager.
2. God is able to manage my life much better than I can.
3. I think i will let Him do that.
These are the essence of the first 3 steps.
Sometimes, those are just enough, until it is time to move on.
Then the work starts. You dig through your past, write down your hurts, who you have hurt, basically lay out your history to yourself.
From there, it is confession time.
It has been my experience that the time spend confessing is not easy, but my sponsor was there to help me see patterns in my life.
Now the rest of the steps are here to help me go forward and learn to be closer to God, and a healthier human being.
I can't wait to see what happens.
God has been moving in mighty ways this year, and I feel incredibly awed by all He has done.
At the beginning of this year, I was going through my emotional roller coaster. Again. and again...and again. I had gotten to a point where I was considering seeing a professional to see about something to even this out a bit. I did not have many "normal" days. Normal to me means somewhat even keel, with no emotional spikes. As soon as I thought about that, things evened out for a while. I don't know if that was God or if that was Satan backing off so that I would not go to the Recovery ministry at my church.
April of this year, I lost a good friend, Mikee. To think about him and his antics brings a smile to my face. Mikee was in a worship band with me, and he taught me the finer points of playing a tambourine. Yes, there ARE finer points! :) Mikee was a very special man and I still miss him. I look forward to seeing him in heaven. I went to Arizona for the funeral, and the week that followed was pretty close to my version of hell on earth. There was no funeral. The family had to raise money. I was feeling empathy for the family, and at the same time trying to begin mourning a friend when no one else was ready to do that - for obvious reasons. I dreaded returning to Texas and trying to deal with his death when there was no one (who knew him) to share it with. I also did not want to burden the other with my need when they had been dealing with the enormity of our friend's passing for months. They needed a breather more than I needed to grieve with them.
During that visit, I had to confront a friend about a long term behavior that I did not like, and had not liked for a long time. It was very stressful for me as I don't like confrontation, especially if I think I'm going to be attacked for my efforts. Well, I was, but I stood up for myself and we resolved the problem, and we are still friends. That was a LOT of stress though.
The third thing about sent me off the edge. My father was in a motorcycle accident. That day we had met for dinner at a favorite restaurant of ours. After we finished we were going to back to church for a Bible study. If all had gone as normal, I would have been following him when it happened. I honestly don't know what would have happened if I had been. Thinking of that reminds me of how thankful I am that the bike stalled a few times when my father was trying to leave the place we had been. Thankfully my safety-conscious father was wearing all the right gear. His leather jacket was all scraped up, his helmet had to be replaced, and his jeans were not salvagable after the ER got through with them. He was diagnosed with 4 broken ribs. He was admitted to the hospital, and I spent the rest of my time in Arizona sitting in the hospital with my father. Unfortunately I had to leave before he was discharged from the hospital, and that was insanely hard. I did not want to leave him like that, but the consequences of staying were not ones I wanted to face when I returned home.
When I returned, it was right back into my normal life. I did not want to. My little trip had drained me. I knew I still needed to take the time to grieve and think and pray, but my week was SO busy I did not have time. I had scheduled time to deal with this.
I also realized that at no time during the week did I turn to my strength, my protector, the author and perfecter of my days to ask for help, to admit my weaknesses, and for healing and protection. Ok once...but only once. That realization broke my heart.
And that was when Daddy Dave came into the picture. I shared with him what was going on, my frustration with it, and that I don't feel grounded at all. He recommended that I check out the recovery group. It is for people who are suffering with just about anything and are not in a perfect relationship with Christ. That sounded great to me. Anything to get my life under control. Anything to help me deal with this and get back on track...and maybe even a bit better than before.
What I did not know (thank God) was that it was a 12 step program. Now there is nothing wrong with 12 step programs, I had a bad attitude towards them. I did not think that I needed a 12 step plan.
The first week a woman shared her story, and I recognized some of my life in that story. God was telling me to stay put! Over the next several months, God has been showing me that
1. I have made a mess of my life, and I make a pretty poor manager.
2. God is able to manage my life much better than I can.
3. I think i will let Him do that.
These are the essence of the first 3 steps.
Sometimes, those are just enough, until it is time to move on.
Then the work starts. You dig through your past, write down your hurts, who you have hurt, basically lay out your history to yourself.
From there, it is confession time.
It has been my experience that the time spend confessing is not easy, but my sponsor was there to help me see patterns in my life.
Now the rest of the steps are here to help me go forward and learn to be closer to God, and a healthier human being.
I can't wait to see what happens.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
I'm glad I don't understand.
Tuesday night I found out that a dear friend of mine passed away from complications of a stroke. He was in his 60's, and was one heck of a guy. I am happy he is with Jesus and that he no longer suffers. I am hurting for his wife and the rest of his family. I don't know how it would feel to lose my husband after 2 years. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be.
I flew to Arizona on Thursday morning to be here for the memorial service. I found out shortly after I arrived that the service will not be until after I leave. I was a bit upset until I was told the reason. The family is poor and does nto have money for the funeral. They have to raise money so that they can bury their loved one. I have no words for how this affects me.
One of the first things planned was time with the old group - everyone who knew Mikee like I did. Many of them better than I did. Tomorrow is the day.
The rest of my time has been spent with my father and brother, with my best friend, her husband and their two children (my god children), and a few other friends. I have enjoyed the time with them. I know there is a part of me that needed the balm they have given me just by being themselves. I have loved on kiddos, watched a dorky, geek movie (absolutely nothing wrong with dorky, geek movies), and have been visually revisiting my old stomping grounds.
The one thing that bothers me just a bit is that no one has asked me how I feel. No one has asked me to talk about Mikee and about the whole reason I flew out here this weekend. I can just imagine that getting into that conversation would be quite a downer when they want to spend time with me, but I am feeling a bit strange that it was not even addressed. To be fair, I feel pretty good. The fact that he is gone has not really struck me yet. I have not been able to sit and start my grieving process. I don't necessarily expect that it will be as my grief was when James died, but I expect that there are tears to shed, and memories to share.
Mikee was a kick. A warm hearted man who loved to use his comedy to bring others closer to God.
I have posted pictures of my god-sons on my Facebook page. I am thrilled to have spent some time with them. Brian and Melissa are wonderful parents. I hope I never have to finish raising these kids. More because Bri and Mel are amazing, and I want these kids to know just how amazing their parents are. I want to write them each a letter to open when they come to know the Lord. I want to think and pray on that for a while before I put pen to paper.
So the other thing that happened this weekend is that I had to have a confrontation with a friend who has been in my life for quite some time. She and I had to discuss how a chosen behavior affects me, and that I should have come to her a long time ago to talk about what was bothering me. God worked out the details, and we are fine now, but it was not at all the easiest conversation I have ever had.
Understandably, she was hurt. I wish I'd had these coping mechanisms when we started our friendship, but I did not. I see how much my words last night had to affect her. I pray that she is able to get past the hurt and see that I came to her because I love her. I want her to be the best version of herself that I can be. it was not easy, but it was definitely worth it.
The title refers to the timing of this trip. There are several completely valid reasons for the timing of this, and I don't know that I will ever understand why I needed to take this time right now. On the other hand, that's not my job. I am going to try and do everything He has for me this weekend, and see what comes out on the other end.
me
I flew to Arizona on Thursday morning to be here for the memorial service. I found out shortly after I arrived that the service will not be until after I leave. I was a bit upset until I was told the reason. The family is poor and does nto have money for the funeral. They have to raise money so that they can bury their loved one. I have no words for how this affects me.
One of the first things planned was time with the old group - everyone who knew Mikee like I did. Many of them better than I did. Tomorrow is the day.
The rest of my time has been spent with my father and brother, with my best friend, her husband and their two children (my god children), and a few other friends. I have enjoyed the time with them. I know there is a part of me that needed the balm they have given me just by being themselves. I have loved on kiddos, watched a dorky, geek movie (absolutely nothing wrong with dorky, geek movies), and have been visually revisiting my old stomping grounds.
The one thing that bothers me just a bit is that no one has asked me how I feel. No one has asked me to talk about Mikee and about the whole reason I flew out here this weekend. I can just imagine that getting into that conversation would be quite a downer when they want to spend time with me, but I am feeling a bit strange that it was not even addressed. To be fair, I feel pretty good. The fact that he is gone has not really struck me yet. I have not been able to sit and start my grieving process. I don't necessarily expect that it will be as my grief was when James died, but I expect that there are tears to shed, and memories to share.
Mikee was a kick. A warm hearted man who loved to use his comedy to bring others closer to God.
I have posted pictures of my god-sons on my Facebook page. I am thrilled to have spent some time with them. Brian and Melissa are wonderful parents. I hope I never have to finish raising these kids. More because Bri and Mel are amazing, and I want these kids to know just how amazing their parents are. I want to write them each a letter to open when they come to know the Lord. I want to think and pray on that for a while before I put pen to paper.
So the other thing that happened this weekend is that I had to have a confrontation with a friend who has been in my life for quite some time. She and I had to discuss how a chosen behavior affects me, and that I should have come to her a long time ago to talk about what was bothering me. God worked out the details, and we are fine now, but it was not at all the easiest conversation I have ever had.
Understandably, she was hurt. I wish I'd had these coping mechanisms when we started our friendship, but I did not. I see how much my words last night had to affect her. I pray that she is able to get past the hurt and see that I came to her because I love her. I want her to be the best version of herself that I can be. it was not easy, but it was definitely worth it.
The title refers to the timing of this trip. There are several completely valid reasons for the timing of this, and I don't know that I will ever understand why I needed to take this time right now. On the other hand, that's not my job. I am going to try and do everything He has for me this weekend, and see what comes out on the other end.
me
Friday, April 03, 2009
...you can never go back.
for the past month or so, I have been seeing Arizona license plates all over Austin.
Strange, right? Yeah, I thought so too.
I don't think it meant anything big, but it turned my mind back to AZ. I have been in Austin just shy of 3 years. I realized that one of the things I miss is having people I can call and say "Hey, lets go see a movie," or "I wanna hang out- you busy?" Not to say I don't have friends in Austin, because there are lots of people I care about. Just nothing at the level I had in AZ. I have been missing that a lot lately.
So why am I in Austin? Ultimately, I don't know.
I know that God brought me there to grow closer to Him. That has certainly happened. My relationship is closer to Him than it has ever been, and my life is more on mission than ever. Yet I still have this insanely strong sense of dissatisfaction that seems to be about what I am doing.
The question I have to ask myself is: is the feeling a prompting from God that I am not yet fulfilling my purpose, or is it an internal, unhealthy desire to do more and control what's going on. I am definitely praying about that.
I just got back to Phoenix yesterday. Last time I was here, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off - helping my friend with his wedding. This time is different. I am able to take time and look around. I am struck by how things have changed, new freeways, new buildings, missing buildings; and how they stay the same. I didn't realize how much I missed seeing the palm trees and the cacti. The weather is perfect, and it's hard to remember how much I really dislike the Arizona summer. Today I plan to go out and take some pictures and meet up with my God sons and best friend.
Tomorrow, those plans are yet to be made. I am taking this short trip one day at a time.
I am thankful I am here, but Austin beckons...calling me back to God's work there.
Strange, right? Yeah, I thought so too.
I don't think it meant anything big, but it turned my mind back to AZ. I have been in Austin just shy of 3 years. I realized that one of the things I miss is having people I can call and say "Hey, lets go see a movie," or "I wanna hang out- you busy?" Not to say I don't have friends in Austin, because there are lots of people I care about. Just nothing at the level I had in AZ. I have been missing that a lot lately.
So why am I in Austin? Ultimately, I don't know.
I know that God brought me there to grow closer to Him. That has certainly happened. My relationship is closer to Him than it has ever been, and my life is more on mission than ever. Yet I still have this insanely strong sense of dissatisfaction that seems to be about what I am doing.
The question I have to ask myself is: is the feeling a prompting from God that I am not yet fulfilling my purpose, or is it an internal, unhealthy desire to do more and control what's going on. I am definitely praying about that.
I just got back to Phoenix yesterday. Last time I was here, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off - helping my friend with his wedding. This time is different. I am able to take time and look around. I am struck by how things have changed, new freeways, new buildings, missing buildings; and how they stay the same. I didn't realize how much I missed seeing the palm trees and the cacti. The weather is perfect, and it's hard to remember how much I really dislike the Arizona summer. Today I plan to go out and take some pictures and meet up with my God sons and best friend.
Tomorrow, those plans are yet to be made. I am taking this short trip one day at a time.
I am thankful I am here, but Austin beckons...calling me back to God's work there.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Eeyore's Birthday
Before I moved here 3 years ago (this year) I started looking at what things make Austin what it is.
*Trail of Lights - cool, especially twirling under the tree at the end of the trail
*SOCO - very cool to just wander around and look at the eclectic shops.
*SXSW (South by South West) and ACL - again very cool music festivals.
*The Bats under the Congress bridge - the largest urban bat colony in the US.
*The University of Texas - I don't think the city would be the same without it. The UT tower...everything under the sun is burnt orange... nope, definitely not the same.
*Town Lake - or Lady Bird Lake and the assorted paths where you can walk, jog, run, ride bike...etc. Beautiful!
*Marathons - oh boy are their marathons!
*The gay pride parade is the same day as the motorcycle parade - they run down parallel streets, one block apart - only in Austin would that work.
*Amy's Ice Cream - it really is too bad that they are not allowed to fling icecream across Congress any more.
* and the one that I have been thinking about every year... Eeyore's birthday. It sounds like fun, like a true Austin festival. Drum circles, family friendly activities held at a local park in our beautiful city.
but...
but...
it seems that all is not as it seems. As I speak with those here at work, I find that this party is a hippy celebration, and on that day, the cops look the other way. This does not mean that I think it is completely bad - for not much really is. What it does mean is that I will approach with caution.
I think we really need to let people with families know what they might find at this festival. It is touted as family friendly, with lots of activities for kids...and I would hate for people to get there and find things they did not expect in an environment that is supposed to be for kids.
I would love to say more...but it is time to go...
Christa
*Trail of Lights - cool, especially twirling under the tree at the end of the trail
*SOCO - very cool to just wander around and look at the eclectic shops.
*SXSW (South by South West) and ACL - again very cool music festivals.
*The Bats under the Congress bridge - the largest urban bat colony in the US.
*The University of Texas - I don't think the city would be the same without it. The UT tower...everything under the sun is burnt orange... nope, definitely not the same.
*Town Lake - or Lady Bird Lake and the assorted paths where you can walk, jog, run, ride bike...etc. Beautiful!
*Marathons - oh boy are their marathons!
*The gay pride parade is the same day as the motorcycle parade - they run down parallel streets, one block apart - only in Austin would that work.
*Amy's Ice Cream - it really is too bad that they are not allowed to fling icecream across Congress any more.
* and the one that I have been thinking about every year... Eeyore's birthday. It sounds like fun, like a true Austin festival. Drum circles, family friendly activities held at a local park in our beautiful city.
but...
but...
it seems that all is not as it seems. As I speak with those here at work, I find that this party is a hippy celebration, and on that day, the cops look the other way. This does not mean that I think it is completely bad - for not much really is. What it does mean is that I will approach with caution.
I think we really need to let people with families know what they might find at this festival. It is touted as family friendly, with lots of activities for kids...and I would hate for people to get there and find things they did not expect in an environment that is supposed to be for kids.
I would love to say more...but it is time to go...
Christa
Friday, March 06, 2009
Books...
I just got an email from Amazon advertising the most recent version of the Kindle. A device that will download books and allow you to read them electronically.
I can think of many reasons that this is a good thing. Things like, saving our environment, lessening the amount of storage space needed in our homes, and...well, holding them might actually be more convenient than holding an actual book.
Here's the problem. I like putting my nose in a book (yes, literally...) I like the smell of the pages, especially when they are older. I like knowing that I can touch and feel and have that brief moment of excitement as I turn to the next page. And, it is impracticall to fall asleep on an electronic book - I don't even want to think of the damage a little bit of sleep-drool would do to the device!
So, I throw my attitudes about books in with Captain Kirk. I just want the real thing.
Christa
I can think of many reasons that this is a good thing. Things like, saving our environment, lessening the amount of storage space needed in our homes, and...well, holding them might actually be more convenient than holding an actual book.
Here's the problem. I like putting my nose in a book (yes, literally...) I like the smell of the pages, especially when they are older. I like knowing that I can touch and feel and have that brief moment of excitement as I turn to the next page. And, it is impracticall to fall asleep on an electronic book - I don't even want to think of the damage a little bit of sleep-drool would do to the device!
So, I throw my attitudes about books in with Captain Kirk. I just want the real thing.
Christa
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Reflections...
You know...I am sentimental about a lot of things, but not usually about New Years and the resolutions that come with. However, this year, I find that I am doing a lot more reflection than I recall doing in the past.
Last year was difficult...I am not going to kid anyone about that. I lost more than I wanted to, and have gained more than I thought I could in a year's time. I identify with Job. I have not lost near as much as he did, but I did lose a lot. Some of what I gave was given up begrudgingly, some of it was taken, and some things I just let go of. I speak of material things primarily here.
What I gained was not material - for the most part - it was Spiritual and emotional. Because I was in such a hard place, I had no choice but to lean on God to get me through - that DOES NOT mean that I think of God as an emotional crutch. It means that I learned trust. I learned that God will get me through, no matter what is going on in my life. He does not provide for every want in my life, but he does provide for every need. He showed me that some things I perceived as "needs" were really blessings and "wants" in disguise.
Still I find myself fearful of what I feel called to do. I often ask God why me? Why did he choose such a broken vessel to reach out and help his children? Why did he choose someone who, to all appearances, does not have a solid foundation, to give one to others? I don't understand at all.
There is quite a bit I have been pushing off as well. I have been doing busy work, making quilts and afghans, joining a book club (though that was thought provoking), and slowly reading books I should be focusing on. I want to take several steps this year.
1. I need to get away and take a few days to just walk through the things I have been thinking, spending time with God and asking Him to reveal what I need to know to grow further.
2. I intend to go back to counseling to help me deal with this fear. I have come to the rough conclusion that fear is what has held me back from alot of accomplishments - including weight loss.
3. I want to finish up projects I have been putting off for several years, and remake projects that were lost somehow.
4. I am serious about being the best godmother I can. I am floored by the decision of my good friends, and hope that my promise never has to be fulfilled. Those kids deserve their parents. Yet again, I am trusting God with them.
God has been good, and I know that He walks with me daily. Many times I feel how much I need his presence and how much I depend on His grace to get through the day.
Christa
Last year was difficult...I am not going to kid anyone about that. I lost more than I wanted to, and have gained more than I thought I could in a year's time. I identify with Job. I have not lost near as much as he did, but I did lose a lot. Some of what I gave was given up begrudgingly, some of it was taken, and some things I just let go of. I speak of material things primarily here.
What I gained was not material - for the most part - it was Spiritual and emotional. Because I was in such a hard place, I had no choice but to lean on God to get me through - that DOES NOT mean that I think of God as an emotional crutch. It means that I learned trust. I learned that God will get me through, no matter what is going on in my life. He does not provide for every want in my life, but he does provide for every need. He showed me that some things I perceived as "needs" were really blessings and "wants" in disguise.
Still I find myself fearful of what I feel called to do. I often ask God why me? Why did he choose such a broken vessel to reach out and help his children? Why did he choose someone who, to all appearances, does not have a solid foundation, to give one to others? I don't understand at all.
There is quite a bit I have been pushing off as well. I have been doing busy work, making quilts and afghans, joining a book club (though that was thought provoking), and slowly reading books I should be focusing on. I want to take several steps this year.
1. I need to get away and take a few days to just walk through the things I have been thinking, spending time with God and asking Him to reveal what I need to know to grow further.
2. I intend to go back to counseling to help me deal with this fear. I have come to the rough conclusion that fear is what has held me back from alot of accomplishments - including weight loss.
3. I want to finish up projects I have been putting off for several years, and remake projects that were lost somehow.
4. I am serious about being the best godmother I can. I am floored by the decision of my good friends, and hope that my promise never has to be fulfilled. Those kids deserve their parents. Yet again, I am trusting God with them.
God has been good, and I know that He walks with me daily. Many times I feel how much I need his presence and how much I depend on His grace to get through the day.
Christa
Sunday, January 04, 2009
It has been SOOOO long!
So, I am sitting here on a borrowed computer, just trying to get a few thoughts down before I have to relinquish control back to the Kids Ministry at church.
God has been amazing.
I don't dare even look back at my previous posts to see how I was. Maybe some other time.
God has been drawing me closer to Him in such amazing ways. I love him more now than I ever have in the past. I know that this is just a beginning, and I cannot wait to see how He is going to change me over and over and over again.
I have been letting go of myself. God is gracious enough to remove some of my selfishness. Not all unfortunately, but that is a work in progress.
I have so much to say...
To catch up:
a very good friend is going out of town for 6 months...then she gets married.
Dave and Sunny are going to have a baby next year.
Brian and Melissa have asked me to be godmother to their kids (that is so huge that I still can't completely comprehend it)
Dad came to visit in October, it was wonderful, but not long enough.
I hope that God is showing you amazing and wonderful things about yourself.
For me...I know that will be true.
Christa
God has been amazing.
I don't dare even look back at my previous posts to see how I was. Maybe some other time.
God has been drawing me closer to Him in such amazing ways. I love him more now than I ever have in the past. I know that this is just a beginning, and I cannot wait to see how He is going to change me over and over and over again.
I have been letting go of myself. God is gracious enough to remove some of my selfishness. Not all unfortunately, but that is a work in progress.
I have so much to say...
To catch up:
a very good friend is going out of town for 6 months...then she gets married.
Dave and Sunny are going to have a baby next year.
Brian and Melissa have asked me to be godmother to their kids (that is so huge that I still can't completely comprehend it)
Dad came to visit in October, it was wonderful, but not long enough.
I hope that God is showing you amazing and wonderful things about yourself.
For me...I know that will be true.
Christa
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
7 qualties of women you want to be around.
The 7 Qualities of Women You Want to Be Around
1. they see the strengths, not the limitations, in others. They make you poud to be yourself - because they tell you why you're so special.
2. They trust you so fullythat you feel compelled to meet their expectations. Consequntly, they make you feel like a better person than you normally are.
3. They respect you for what you have done and where you have come from.
4. They are authentic anddon't need you to lie to them to feed thir egos.
5. They live by teir rules but don't expect you to follow them.
6. they are at peace with themselves, so they don't have to prove anything to you.
7. They are goodlisteners and sincerely interested in you, so ou feel important. Because they're available for honest and genuine discussion, they make you want to share yourself.
1. they see the strengths, not the limitations, in others. They make you poud to be yourself - because they tell you why you're so special.
2. They trust you so fullythat you feel compelled to meet their expectations. Consequntly, they make you feel like a better person than you normally are.
3. They respect you for what you have done and where you have come from.
4. They are authentic anddon't need you to lie to them to feed thir egos.
5. They live by teir rules but don't expect you to follow them.
6. they are at peace with themselves, so they don't have to prove anything to you.
7. They are goodlisteners and sincerely interested in you, so ou feel important. Because they're available for honest and genuine discussion, they make you want to share yourself.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Going back to the beginning.
Last night, I had a great discussion with a friend of mine. This friend has his Doctorate in Astrophysics. He is a wonderful person I have known more than half my life. We were talking about religion, specifically the philosophy of religion and whether it can be true or not.
This got me to thinking. I really need to go back to the beginning and tell the reason I have for my faith. Last night we spoke about truth. Much of what he used in our discussion was to show how truth may not have been preserved. Okay. I can deal with that. I found the following website (http://biblicism.wordpress.com/2008/07/02/who-says-jesus-existed/) quickly, and it seems to be just what the Dr. ordered! (pun intended!)
I am going to spend some time working on the historical events of Jesus, because my friend is not likely to recognize the Bible as the source of authority. I don't blame him. It is like a person who has stolen asking you to believe that they are not a thief.
So...We shall see where this goes. I am excited for this challenge, as I am excited about how both my friend and I will be affected.
If you are a prayer warrior, please pray for both of us!
Christa
This got me to thinking. I really need to go back to the beginning and tell the reason I have for my faith. Last night we spoke about truth. Much of what he used in our discussion was to show how truth may not have been preserved. Okay. I can deal with that. I found the following website (http://biblicism.wordpress.com/2008/07/02/who-says-jesus-existed/) quickly, and it seems to be just what the Dr. ordered! (pun intended!)
I am going to spend some time working on the historical events of Jesus, because my friend is not likely to recognize the Bible as the source of authority. I don't blame him. It is like a person who has stolen asking you to believe that they are not a thief.
So...We shall see where this goes. I am excited for this challenge, as I am excited about how both my friend and I will be affected.
If you are a prayer warrior, please pray for both of us!
Christa
Friday, July 04, 2008
Two years and one day.
July 3, 2006 I arrived in Austin, Texas.
Since then, much has happened. I do not have time to list it all here, but my life is different in some pretty incredible ways. God has become more real to me than ever, and I am more in love with Him than I imagined possible. When I moved here, I did so on faith. I knew that God had led me here. It has been quite the rollercoaster ride of fun that has resulted in the most amazing 2 years of my life.
There are still times when I miss living in Arizona. I had a comfort zone there, and was really not looking to leave. I do admit that I did dream about leaving occasionally (usually when it had been over 100 degrees for 3 months or more), but rarely was it more than a dream.
As much as I like irony, I really enjoy the irony in my life. I have been patriotic my entire life. I love our flag and what it stands for. I do not always like what we do, but I celebrate a group of men who separated themselves from an tax crazy government. I love that at this time when fireworks sparkle in the sky and brass bands play the 1812 Overture, I am also celebrating my personal independence. I left much behind and it has been difficult, but not as difficult as staying would have been.
I look forward to the next two years!
Happy Independence Day all!
Since then, much has happened. I do not have time to list it all here, but my life is different in some pretty incredible ways. God has become more real to me than ever, and I am more in love with Him than I imagined possible. When I moved here, I did so on faith. I knew that God had led me here. It has been quite the rollercoaster ride of fun that has resulted in the most amazing 2 years of my life.
There are still times when I miss living in Arizona. I had a comfort zone there, and was really not looking to leave. I do admit that I did dream about leaving occasionally (usually when it had been over 100 degrees for 3 months or more), but rarely was it more than a dream.
As much as I like irony, I really enjoy the irony in my life. I have been patriotic my entire life. I love our flag and what it stands for. I do not always like what we do, but I celebrate a group of men who separated themselves from an tax crazy government. I love that at this time when fireworks sparkle in the sky and brass bands play the 1812 Overture, I am also celebrating my personal independence. I left much behind and it has been difficult, but not as difficult as staying would have been.
I look forward to the next two years!
Happy Independence Day all!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Waiting and growing
You know...when I was a baby Christian (which lasted a much longer time than I would have imagined) I used to think that God would renew my mind at the snap of His fingers. I wanted the easy solution. I have discovered that most of the time I am unaware that He is making changes until I look back and see the changes in my life.
Most recently, God has been drawing me closer to Him, and He is not doing it in a way that I would have begun to think would even work.
April of last year, God gave me a specific vision. The vision came after a time of struggle during which I gave up something in my life directly to God. I released my hold on it and gave the desire I had up to Him. The day after I gave it up, I had the vision. When it happened, I wrote it down and then began to pray about it. I figured the vision was one of three things; 1 - from God, 2 - from Satan as a distraction, or 3 - from my subconscious because I had not truly given it up. The last of the three grieved me the most.
I did not think about it much for a few weeks because it rattled me so strongly. After a few weeks, I spoke with a very good friend of mine to run it all by her. I told her the entire story and at the end of it, she told me she thought it was from God. Another friend prayed blindly and told me that she also thought it was from God.
At the time, I wanted it to happen quickly. I was SOOOOOO excited. I could barely contain myself. I knew that I could not share details, and still can't for that matter. But I did ask a few people to pray that God would help me remain patient for His timing and that I would learn all I needed to learn.
It is 14 months since the vision. God has used this time to bring me closer to Him than I have ever been in my life. He has asked me to depend on him in my financial life and in everything I have and am. God has not done this quickly, but He has done it. :) I have been brought to a place where I knew some of what God wanted/wants from me, but knew that I was unable to do it on my own. I sobbed harder than I have in a very long time and told him that I knew I was not able to do it. I did not know how. I asked Him to help me with those changes.
Do I still struggle with the old me? Yes, sometimes. More so when Satan is whispering in my ear. I know those are attacks, but do not always recognize them immediately. I am working on that.
As for the vision... God continues to give me strength and hope - even when it seems hopeless. He gives me confirmation that He is still working on this in my life. I continue to pray that I do not block His work and that others involved will go with Him through whatever they need to so they are prepared as well.
I know that God loves me - more than I can even begin to understand. I know that He has a plan for me. I just have to continue growing closer to Him and allowing Him to change me.
I hope it is soon...this waiting is difficult.
Christa
Most recently, God has been drawing me closer to Him, and He is not doing it in a way that I would have begun to think would even work.
April of last year, God gave me a specific vision. The vision came after a time of struggle during which I gave up something in my life directly to God. I released my hold on it and gave the desire I had up to Him. The day after I gave it up, I had the vision. When it happened, I wrote it down and then began to pray about it. I figured the vision was one of three things; 1 - from God, 2 - from Satan as a distraction, or 3 - from my subconscious because I had not truly given it up. The last of the three grieved me the most.
I did not think about it much for a few weeks because it rattled me so strongly. After a few weeks, I spoke with a very good friend of mine to run it all by her. I told her the entire story and at the end of it, she told me she thought it was from God. Another friend prayed blindly and told me that she also thought it was from God.
At the time, I wanted it to happen quickly. I was SOOOOOO excited. I could barely contain myself. I knew that I could not share details, and still can't for that matter. But I did ask a few people to pray that God would help me remain patient for His timing and that I would learn all I needed to learn.
It is 14 months since the vision. God has used this time to bring me closer to Him than I have ever been in my life. He has asked me to depend on him in my financial life and in everything I have and am. God has not done this quickly, but He has done it. :) I have been brought to a place where I knew some of what God wanted/wants from me, but knew that I was unable to do it on my own. I sobbed harder than I have in a very long time and told him that I knew I was not able to do it. I did not know how. I asked Him to help me with those changes.
Do I still struggle with the old me? Yes, sometimes. More so when Satan is whispering in my ear. I know those are attacks, but do not always recognize them immediately. I am working on that.
As for the vision... God continues to give me strength and hope - even when it seems hopeless. He gives me confirmation that He is still working on this in my life. I continue to pray that I do not block His work and that others involved will go with Him through whatever they need to so they are prepared as well.
I know that God loves me - more than I can even begin to understand. I know that He has a plan for me. I just have to continue growing closer to Him and allowing Him to change me.
I hope it is soon...this waiting is difficult.
Christa
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