You know...when I was a baby Christian (which lasted a much longer time than I would have imagined) I used to think that God would renew my mind at the snap of His fingers. I wanted the easy solution. I have discovered that most of the time I am unaware that He is making changes until I look back and see the changes in my life.
Most recently, God has been drawing me closer to Him, and He is not doing it in a way that I would have begun to think would even work.
April of last year, God gave me a specific vision. The vision came after a time of struggle during which I gave up something in my life directly to God. I released my hold on it and gave the desire I had up to Him. The day after I gave it up, I had the vision. When it happened, I wrote it down and then began to pray about it. I figured the vision was one of three things; 1 - from God, 2 - from Satan as a distraction, or 3 - from my subconscious because I had not truly given it up. The last of the three grieved me the most.
I did not think about it much for a few weeks because it rattled me so strongly. After a few weeks, I spoke with a very good friend of mine to run it all by her. I told her the entire story and at the end of it, she told me she thought it was from God. Another friend prayed blindly and told me that she also thought it was from God.
At the time, I wanted it to happen quickly. I was SOOOOOO excited. I could barely contain myself. I knew that I could not share details, and still can't for that matter. But I did ask a few people to pray that God would help me remain patient for His timing and that I would learn all I needed to learn.
It is 14 months since the vision. God has used this time to bring me closer to Him than I have ever been in my life. He has asked me to depend on him in my financial life and in everything I have and am. God has not done this quickly, but He has done it. :) I have been brought to a place where I knew some of what God wanted/wants from me, but knew that I was unable to do it on my own. I sobbed harder than I have in a very long time and told him that I knew I was not able to do it. I did not know how. I asked Him to help me with those changes.
Do I still struggle with the old me? Yes, sometimes. More so when Satan is whispering in my ear. I know those are attacks, but do not always recognize them immediately. I am working on that.
As for the vision... God continues to give me strength and hope - even when it seems hopeless. He gives me confirmation that He is still working on this in my life. I continue to pray that I do not block His work and that others involved will go with Him through whatever they need to so they are prepared as well.
I know that God loves me - more than I can even begin to understand. I know that He has a plan for me. I just have to continue growing closer to Him and allowing Him to change me.
I hope it is soon...this waiting is difficult.
Christa
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