Reflections...

You know...I am sentimental about a lot of things, but not usually about New Years and the resolutions that come with. However, this year, I find that I am doing a lot more reflection than I recall doing in the past.

Last year was difficult...I am not going to kid anyone about that. I lost more than I wanted to, and have gained more than I thought I could in a year's time. I identify with Job. I have not lost near as much as he did, but I did lose a lot. Some of what I gave was given up begrudgingly, some of it was taken, and some things I just let go of. I speak of material things primarily here.

What I gained was not material - for the most part - it was Spiritual and emotional. Because I was in such a hard place, I had no choice but to lean on God to get me through - that DOES NOT mean that I think of God as an emotional crutch. It means that I learned trust. I learned that God will get me through, no matter what is going on in my life. He does not provide for every want in my life, but he does provide for every need. He showed me that some things I perceived as "needs" were really blessings and "wants" in disguise.

Still I find myself fearful of what I feel called to do. I often ask God why me? Why did he choose such a broken vessel to reach out and help his children? Why did he choose someone who, to all appearances, does not have a solid foundation, to give one to others? I don't understand at all.

There is quite a bit I have been pushing off as well. I have been doing busy work, making quilts and afghans, joining a book club (though that was thought provoking), and slowly reading books I should be focusing on. I want to take several steps this year.

1. I need to get away and take a few days to just walk through the things I have been thinking, spending time with God and asking Him to reveal what I need to know to grow further.
2. I intend to go back to counseling to help me deal with this fear. I have come to the rough conclusion that fear is what has held me back from alot of accomplishments - including weight loss.
3. I want to finish up projects I have been putting off for several years, and remake projects that were lost somehow.
4. I am serious about being the best godmother I can. I am floored by the decision of my good friends, and hope that my promise never has to be fulfilled. Those kids deserve their parents. Yet again, I am trusting God with them.

God has been good, and I know that He walks with me daily. Many times I feel how much I need his presence and how much I depend on His grace to get through the day.

Christa