It's done.
My time in Austin is drawing to a close. I did not think it would be so soon (4 years) I would be happy to say here the rest of my days. However, I know that God does not often allow that. I know that he brings us places for the good of the Kingdom, and we don't always understand what has been going on.
I think of my time here as my wilderness experience. It saddens me to leave, I love this place. There are many people I have befriended who have made amazing impacts on my life. I will miss them.
On the other hand, I am excited to go back to Arizona. I get to spend time with my family, with good friends, and with my God-sons. I get to know them! I am so excited about that. I also feel that God is asking me to start a home church. Get to know other believers, and spend time with them in the Word, soaking it up. Living it out. Sharing it with others.
So, these next few months are filled with sorting, and selling. Preparing, packing, and squeezing every drop of Austin experiences out of the time I have left.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Reminders.
It's been almost 4 years since I moved to Texas.
During that time much has changed, but have I?
I have to say that I have.
I have heard a lot recently that God will allow you to go through a lot to bring you closer to Him. For me, that has not been as much as some, but more than I wanted - that's for sure!
Who was God to me when I moved here? I will say that I knew Him, believed in Him, was trying to live for Him. However, the relationship I had heard about, the depth of knowing, and being in Him was missing. I did not understand (and in many ways still don't) how much I was missing His presence in my life.
God brought me here to allow Him to change my heart, to challenge my life, and to help me remove the blinders I had on.
I sang on a stage because I could. Because I knew that was something I was good at. I did sing to God sometimes, but not near as often as I could have. Often I was distracted; thinking about cues and being thrilled by harmonies; and even thinking about what other people were doing/feeling. I was not often taken up and focussing completly on my God, on the one who gives me life! I have tears welling in my eyes as I type this.
I had thought that the best thing I could do with my life - and amazingly enough the only thing that will fill my empty parts - would be to get married, raise children, and love my husband. I yearned for it SO much that I raised it to idol status. I put it in front of my relationship with Christ, I used it as a measure of my self esteem, and even judged my worth based on how many of my friends were still single or in relatinships. You know - on that score sheet, I could not help but lose. God has not yet shown me who or if I will spend any of my life married. I do want that, but I know and am trying to trust that He knows what is best.
That is an amazing struggle. To let go and trust that God is working all this out for the best life, and for the best for His kingdom. I am sometimes not resigned to spending the rest of my life as a single woman. I worry about lonliness, and am concerned about retirement, and yes, sometimes my self worth is wrapped up in worldly things and measurements. I find it very hard to look at myself as valuable to God, loved by Him. I often don't think of Him through the days, minute by minute, knowing that He is in every detail of my day - from my dead car battery to the customer who screamed at me for her husband's mistake.
Currently I have Shane and Shane, Psalms in my ear.
the song - the Answer just came on. Here are the lyrics:
I've tried more of me
and I've come up dry
trading You for things
things that go away
My happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
Ihave found the answer is to love Youand be loved by You alone
Alright! Alright ! Alright!
You crucify me and the world to me
and I will only boast in you
Alright! Alright! Yeah!
I'm so satisfied
at the thought of You
growing up in me
covering everything
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
*************************
What beautiful words!
I used to be the person who drew attention to things about me before others could because I NEEDED the attention, or the approval, or both. It's not like that now. It is easier for me to let it go when I feel the need to say something about my new haircut, or to be loud in a conversation just because I feel I won't be heard. I have done that and more.
God has been healing my heart and my soul.
I am reading in Hebrews right now, and I found the following in Chapter 4.
Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. 2For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.
A call to faith. A requirement to trust. A reminder to rest. Rest!
To rest, recharge, to allow God to restore my soul one day during the week. Do I let HIm? Not as often as I should, but I am making steps - everything is steps with me. rarely do I just jump right in. (even though it may seem that I do) I know God can do things immediately, however, will he? not often, at least not in my case. and that could have everything to do with how stubborn I am.
So today, I remember to thank God for all He has done for me. To rest in His restoring power, and especially to try and feel that I am loved truly and deeply by God.
Amazing.
During that time much has changed, but have I?
I have to say that I have.
I have heard a lot recently that God will allow you to go through a lot to bring you closer to Him. For me, that has not been as much as some, but more than I wanted - that's for sure!
Who was God to me when I moved here? I will say that I knew Him, believed in Him, was trying to live for Him. However, the relationship I had heard about, the depth of knowing, and being in Him was missing. I did not understand (and in many ways still don't) how much I was missing His presence in my life.
God brought me here to allow Him to change my heart, to challenge my life, and to help me remove the blinders I had on.
I sang on a stage because I could. Because I knew that was something I was good at. I did sing to God sometimes, but not near as often as I could have. Often I was distracted; thinking about cues and being thrilled by harmonies; and even thinking about what other people were doing/feeling. I was not often taken up and focussing completly on my God, on the one who gives me life! I have tears welling in my eyes as I type this.
I had thought that the best thing I could do with my life - and amazingly enough the only thing that will fill my empty parts - would be to get married, raise children, and love my husband. I yearned for it SO much that I raised it to idol status. I put it in front of my relationship with Christ, I used it as a measure of my self esteem, and even judged my worth based on how many of my friends were still single or in relatinships. You know - on that score sheet, I could not help but lose. God has not yet shown me who or if I will spend any of my life married. I do want that, but I know and am trying to trust that He knows what is best.
That is an amazing struggle. To let go and trust that God is working all this out for the best life, and for the best for His kingdom. I am sometimes not resigned to spending the rest of my life as a single woman. I worry about lonliness, and am concerned about retirement, and yes, sometimes my self worth is wrapped up in worldly things and measurements. I find it very hard to look at myself as valuable to God, loved by Him. I often don't think of Him through the days, minute by minute, knowing that He is in every detail of my day - from my dead car battery to the customer who screamed at me for her husband's mistake.
Currently I have Shane and Shane, Psalms in my ear.
the song - the Answer just came on. Here are the lyrics:
I've tried more of me
and I've come up dry
trading You for things
things that go away
My happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
Ihave found the answer is to love Youand be loved by You alone
Alright! Alright ! Alright!
You crucify me and the world to me
and I will only boast in you
Alright! Alright! Yeah!
I'm so satisfied
at the thought of You
growing up in me
covering everything
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
*************************
What beautiful words!
I used to be the person who drew attention to things about me before others could because I NEEDED the attention, or the approval, or both. It's not like that now. It is easier for me to let it go when I feel the need to say something about my new haircut, or to be loud in a conversation just because I feel I won't be heard. I have done that and more.
God has been healing my heart and my soul.
I am reading in Hebrews right now, and I found the following in Chapter 4.
Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. 2For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.
A call to faith. A requirement to trust. A reminder to rest. Rest!
To rest, recharge, to allow God to restore my soul one day during the week. Do I let HIm? Not as often as I should, but I am making steps - everything is steps with me. rarely do I just jump right in. (even though it may seem that I do) I know God can do things immediately, however, will he? not often, at least not in my case. and that could have everything to do with how stubborn I am.
So today, I remember to thank God for all He has done for me. To rest in His restoring power, and especially to try and feel that I am loved truly and deeply by God.
Amazing.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
April showers bring growth.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and in preparation for this day of Thanks, I am reflecting on the past year.
God has been moving in mighty ways this year, and I feel incredibly awed by all He has done.
At the beginning of this year, I was going through my emotional roller coaster. Again. and again...and again. I had gotten to a point where I was considering seeing a professional to see about something to even this out a bit. I did not have many "normal" days. Normal to me means somewhat even keel, with no emotional spikes. As soon as I thought about that, things evened out for a while. I don't know if that was God or if that was Satan backing off so that I would not go to the Recovery ministry at my church.
April of this year, I lost a good friend, Mikee. To think about him and his antics brings a smile to my face. Mikee was in a worship band with me, and he taught me the finer points of playing a tambourine. Yes, there ARE finer points! :) Mikee was a very special man and I still miss him. I look forward to seeing him in heaven. I went to Arizona for the funeral, and the week that followed was pretty close to my version of hell on earth. There was no funeral. The family had to raise money. I was feeling empathy for the family, and at the same time trying to begin mourning a friend when no one else was ready to do that - for obvious reasons. I dreaded returning to Texas and trying to deal with his death when there was no one (who knew him) to share it with. I also did not want to burden the other with my need when they had been dealing with the enormity of our friend's passing for months. They needed a breather more than I needed to grieve with them.
During that visit, I had to confront a friend about a long term behavior that I did not like, and had not liked for a long time. It was very stressful for me as I don't like confrontation, especially if I think I'm going to be attacked for my efforts. Well, I was, but I stood up for myself and we resolved the problem, and we are still friends. That was a LOT of stress though.
The third thing about sent me off the edge. My father was in a motorcycle accident. That day we had met for dinner at a favorite restaurant of ours. After we finished we were going to back to church for a Bible study. If all had gone as normal, I would have been following him when it happened. I honestly don't know what would have happened if I had been. Thinking of that reminds me of how thankful I am that the bike stalled a few times when my father was trying to leave the place we had been. Thankfully my safety-conscious father was wearing all the right gear. His leather jacket was all scraped up, his helmet had to be replaced, and his jeans were not salvagable after the ER got through with them. He was diagnosed with 4 broken ribs. He was admitted to the hospital, and I spent the rest of my time in Arizona sitting in the hospital with my father. Unfortunately I had to leave before he was discharged from the hospital, and that was insanely hard. I did not want to leave him like that, but the consequences of staying were not ones I wanted to face when I returned home.
When I returned, it was right back into my normal life. I did not want to. My little trip had drained me. I knew I still needed to take the time to grieve and think and pray, but my week was SO busy I did not have time. I had scheduled time to deal with this.
I also realized that at no time during the week did I turn to my strength, my protector, the author and perfecter of my days to ask for help, to admit my weaknesses, and for healing and protection. Ok once...but only once. That realization broke my heart.
And that was when Daddy Dave came into the picture. I shared with him what was going on, my frustration with it, and that I don't feel grounded at all. He recommended that I check out the recovery group. It is for people who are suffering with just about anything and are not in a perfect relationship with Christ. That sounded great to me. Anything to get my life under control. Anything to help me deal with this and get back on track...and maybe even a bit better than before.
What I did not know (thank God) was that it was a 12 step program. Now there is nothing wrong with 12 step programs, I had a bad attitude towards them. I did not think that I needed a 12 step plan.
The first week a woman shared her story, and I recognized some of my life in that story. God was telling me to stay put! Over the next several months, God has been showing me that
1. I have made a mess of my life, and I make a pretty poor manager.
2. God is able to manage my life much better than I can.
3. I think i will let Him do that.
These are the essence of the first 3 steps.
Sometimes, those are just enough, until it is time to move on.
Then the work starts. You dig through your past, write down your hurts, who you have hurt, basically lay out your history to yourself.
From there, it is confession time.
It has been my experience that the time spend confessing is not easy, but my sponsor was there to help me see patterns in my life.
Now the rest of the steps are here to help me go forward and learn to be closer to God, and a healthier human being.
I can't wait to see what happens.
God has been moving in mighty ways this year, and I feel incredibly awed by all He has done.
At the beginning of this year, I was going through my emotional roller coaster. Again. and again...and again. I had gotten to a point where I was considering seeing a professional to see about something to even this out a bit. I did not have many "normal" days. Normal to me means somewhat even keel, with no emotional spikes. As soon as I thought about that, things evened out for a while. I don't know if that was God or if that was Satan backing off so that I would not go to the Recovery ministry at my church.
April of this year, I lost a good friend, Mikee. To think about him and his antics brings a smile to my face. Mikee was in a worship band with me, and he taught me the finer points of playing a tambourine. Yes, there ARE finer points! :) Mikee was a very special man and I still miss him. I look forward to seeing him in heaven. I went to Arizona for the funeral, and the week that followed was pretty close to my version of hell on earth. There was no funeral. The family had to raise money. I was feeling empathy for the family, and at the same time trying to begin mourning a friend when no one else was ready to do that - for obvious reasons. I dreaded returning to Texas and trying to deal with his death when there was no one (who knew him) to share it with. I also did not want to burden the other with my need when they had been dealing with the enormity of our friend's passing for months. They needed a breather more than I needed to grieve with them.
During that visit, I had to confront a friend about a long term behavior that I did not like, and had not liked for a long time. It was very stressful for me as I don't like confrontation, especially if I think I'm going to be attacked for my efforts. Well, I was, but I stood up for myself and we resolved the problem, and we are still friends. That was a LOT of stress though.
The third thing about sent me off the edge. My father was in a motorcycle accident. That day we had met for dinner at a favorite restaurant of ours. After we finished we were going to back to church for a Bible study. If all had gone as normal, I would have been following him when it happened. I honestly don't know what would have happened if I had been. Thinking of that reminds me of how thankful I am that the bike stalled a few times when my father was trying to leave the place we had been. Thankfully my safety-conscious father was wearing all the right gear. His leather jacket was all scraped up, his helmet had to be replaced, and his jeans were not salvagable after the ER got through with them. He was diagnosed with 4 broken ribs. He was admitted to the hospital, and I spent the rest of my time in Arizona sitting in the hospital with my father. Unfortunately I had to leave before he was discharged from the hospital, and that was insanely hard. I did not want to leave him like that, but the consequences of staying were not ones I wanted to face when I returned home.
When I returned, it was right back into my normal life. I did not want to. My little trip had drained me. I knew I still needed to take the time to grieve and think and pray, but my week was SO busy I did not have time. I had scheduled time to deal with this.
I also realized that at no time during the week did I turn to my strength, my protector, the author and perfecter of my days to ask for help, to admit my weaknesses, and for healing and protection. Ok once...but only once. That realization broke my heart.
And that was when Daddy Dave came into the picture. I shared with him what was going on, my frustration with it, and that I don't feel grounded at all. He recommended that I check out the recovery group. It is for people who are suffering with just about anything and are not in a perfect relationship with Christ. That sounded great to me. Anything to get my life under control. Anything to help me deal with this and get back on track...and maybe even a bit better than before.
What I did not know (thank God) was that it was a 12 step program. Now there is nothing wrong with 12 step programs, I had a bad attitude towards them. I did not think that I needed a 12 step plan.
The first week a woman shared her story, and I recognized some of my life in that story. God was telling me to stay put! Over the next several months, God has been showing me that
1. I have made a mess of my life, and I make a pretty poor manager.
2. God is able to manage my life much better than I can.
3. I think i will let Him do that.
These are the essence of the first 3 steps.
Sometimes, those are just enough, until it is time to move on.
Then the work starts. You dig through your past, write down your hurts, who you have hurt, basically lay out your history to yourself.
From there, it is confession time.
It has been my experience that the time spend confessing is not easy, but my sponsor was there to help me see patterns in my life.
Now the rest of the steps are here to help me go forward and learn to be closer to God, and a healthier human being.
I can't wait to see what happens.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
I'm glad I don't understand.
Tuesday night I found out that a dear friend of mine passed away from complications of a stroke. He was in his 60's, and was one heck of a guy. I am happy he is with Jesus and that he no longer suffers. I am hurting for his wife and the rest of his family. I don't know how it would feel to lose my husband after 2 years. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be.
I flew to Arizona on Thursday morning to be here for the memorial service. I found out shortly after I arrived that the service will not be until after I leave. I was a bit upset until I was told the reason. The family is poor and does nto have money for the funeral. They have to raise money so that they can bury their loved one. I have no words for how this affects me.
One of the first things planned was time with the old group - everyone who knew Mikee like I did. Many of them better than I did. Tomorrow is the day.
The rest of my time has been spent with my father and brother, with my best friend, her husband and their two children (my god children), and a few other friends. I have enjoyed the time with them. I know there is a part of me that needed the balm they have given me just by being themselves. I have loved on kiddos, watched a dorky, geek movie (absolutely nothing wrong with dorky, geek movies), and have been visually revisiting my old stomping grounds.
The one thing that bothers me just a bit is that no one has asked me how I feel. No one has asked me to talk about Mikee and about the whole reason I flew out here this weekend. I can just imagine that getting into that conversation would be quite a downer when they want to spend time with me, but I am feeling a bit strange that it was not even addressed. To be fair, I feel pretty good. The fact that he is gone has not really struck me yet. I have not been able to sit and start my grieving process. I don't necessarily expect that it will be as my grief was when James died, but I expect that there are tears to shed, and memories to share.
Mikee was a kick. A warm hearted man who loved to use his comedy to bring others closer to God.
I have posted pictures of my god-sons on my Facebook page. I am thrilled to have spent some time with them. Brian and Melissa are wonderful parents. I hope I never have to finish raising these kids. More because Bri and Mel are amazing, and I want these kids to know just how amazing their parents are. I want to write them each a letter to open when they come to know the Lord. I want to think and pray on that for a while before I put pen to paper.
So the other thing that happened this weekend is that I had to have a confrontation with a friend who has been in my life for quite some time. She and I had to discuss how a chosen behavior affects me, and that I should have come to her a long time ago to talk about what was bothering me. God worked out the details, and we are fine now, but it was not at all the easiest conversation I have ever had.
Understandably, she was hurt. I wish I'd had these coping mechanisms when we started our friendship, but I did not. I see how much my words last night had to affect her. I pray that she is able to get past the hurt and see that I came to her because I love her. I want her to be the best version of herself that I can be. it was not easy, but it was definitely worth it.
The title refers to the timing of this trip. There are several completely valid reasons for the timing of this, and I don't know that I will ever understand why I needed to take this time right now. On the other hand, that's not my job. I am going to try and do everything He has for me this weekend, and see what comes out on the other end.
me
I flew to Arizona on Thursday morning to be here for the memorial service. I found out shortly after I arrived that the service will not be until after I leave. I was a bit upset until I was told the reason. The family is poor and does nto have money for the funeral. They have to raise money so that they can bury their loved one. I have no words for how this affects me.
One of the first things planned was time with the old group - everyone who knew Mikee like I did. Many of them better than I did. Tomorrow is the day.
The rest of my time has been spent with my father and brother, with my best friend, her husband and their two children (my god children), and a few other friends. I have enjoyed the time with them. I know there is a part of me that needed the balm they have given me just by being themselves. I have loved on kiddos, watched a dorky, geek movie (absolutely nothing wrong with dorky, geek movies), and have been visually revisiting my old stomping grounds.
The one thing that bothers me just a bit is that no one has asked me how I feel. No one has asked me to talk about Mikee and about the whole reason I flew out here this weekend. I can just imagine that getting into that conversation would be quite a downer when they want to spend time with me, but I am feeling a bit strange that it was not even addressed. To be fair, I feel pretty good. The fact that he is gone has not really struck me yet. I have not been able to sit and start my grieving process. I don't necessarily expect that it will be as my grief was when James died, but I expect that there are tears to shed, and memories to share.
Mikee was a kick. A warm hearted man who loved to use his comedy to bring others closer to God.
I have posted pictures of my god-sons on my Facebook page. I am thrilled to have spent some time with them. Brian and Melissa are wonderful parents. I hope I never have to finish raising these kids. More because Bri and Mel are amazing, and I want these kids to know just how amazing their parents are. I want to write them each a letter to open when they come to know the Lord. I want to think and pray on that for a while before I put pen to paper.
So the other thing that happened this weekend is that I had to have a confrontation with a friend who has been in my life for quite some time. She and I had to discuss how a chosen behavior affects me, and that I should have come to her a long time ago to talk about what was bothering me. God worked out the details, and we are fine now, but it was not at all the easiest conversation I have ever had.
Understandably, she was hurt. I wish I'd had these coping mechanisms when we started our friendship, but I did not. I see how much my words last night had to affect her. I pray that she is able to get past the hurt and see that I came to her because I love her. I want her to be the best version of herself that I can be. it was not easy, but it was definitely worth it.
The title refers to the timing of this trip. There are several completely valid reasons for the timing of this, and I don't know that I will ever understand why I needed to take this time right now. On the other hand, that's not my job. I am going to try and do everything He has for me this weekend, and see what comes out on the other end.
me
Friday, April 03, 2009
...you can never go back.
for the past month or so, I have been seeing Arizona license plates all over Austin.
Strange, right? Yeah, I thought so too.
I don't think it meant anything big, but it turned my mind back to AZ. I have been in Austin just shy of 3 years. I realized that one of the things I miss is having people I can call and say "Hey, lets go see a movie," or "I wanna hang out- you busy?" Not to say I don't have friends in Austin, because there are lots of people I care about. Just nothing at the level I had in AZ. I have been missing that a lot lately.
So why am I in Austin? Ultimately, I don't know.
I know that God brought me there to grow closer to Him. That has certainly happened. My relationship is closer to Him than it has ever been, and my life is more on mission than ever. Yet I still have this insanely strong sense of dissatisfaction that seems to be about what I am doing.
The question I have to ask myself is: is the feeling a prompting from God that I am not yet fulfilling my purpose, or is it an internal, unhealthy desire to do more and control what's going on. I am definitely praying about that.
I just got back to Phoenix yesterday. Last time I was here, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off - helping my friend with his wedding. This time is different. I am able to take time and look around. I am struck by how things have changed, new freeways, new buildings, missing buildings; and how they stay the same. I didn't realize how much I missed seeing the palm trees and the cacti. The weather is perfect, and it's hard to remember how much I really dislike the Arizona summer. Today I plan to go out and take some pictures and meet up with my God sons and best friend.
Tomorrow, those plans are yet to be made. I am taking this short trip one day at a time.
I am thankful I am here, but Austin beckons...calling me back to God's work there.
Strange, right? Yeah, I thought so too.
I don't think it meant anything big, but it turned my mind back to AZ. I have been in Austin just shy of 3 years. I realized that one of the things I miss is having people I can call and say "Hey, lets go see a movie," or "I wanna hang out- you busy?" Not to say I don't have friends in Austin, because there are lots of people I care about. Just nothing at the level I had in AZ. I have been missing that a lot lately.
So why am I in Austin? Ultimately, I don't know.
I know that God brought me there to grow closer to Him. That has certainly happened. My relationship is closer to Him than it has ever been, and my life is more on mission than ever. Yet I still have this insanely strong sense of dissatisfaction that seems to be about what I am doing.
The question I have to ask myself is: is the feeling a prompting from God that I am not yet fulfilling my purpose, or is it an internal, unhealthy desire to do more and control what's going on. I am definitely praying about that.
I just got back to Phoenix yesterday. Last time I was here, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off - helping my friend with his wedding. This time is different. I am able to take time and look around. I am struck by how things have changed, new freeways, new buildings, missing buildings; and how they stay the same. I didn't realize how much I missed seeing the palm trees and the cacti. The weather is perfect, and it's hard to remember how much I really dislike the Arizona summer. Today I plan to go out and take some pictures and meet up with my God sons and best friend.
Tomorrow, those plans are yet to be made. I am taking this short trip one day at a time.
I am thankful I am here, but Austin beckons...calling me back to God's work there.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Eeyore's Birthday
Before I moved here 3 years ago (this year) I started looking at what things make Austin what it is.
*Trail of Lights - cool, especially twirling under the tree at the end of the trail
*SOCO - very cool to just wander around and look at the eclectic shops.
*SXSW (South by South West) and ACL - again very cool music festivals.
*The Bats under the Congress bridge - the largest urban bat colony in the US.
*The University of Texas - I don't think the city would be the same without it. The UT tower...everything under the sun is burnt orange... nope, definitely not the same.
*Town Lake - or Lady Bird Lake and the assorted paths where you can walk, jog, run, ride bike...etc. Beautiful!
*Marathons - oh boy are their marathons!
*The gay pride parade is the same day as the motorcycle parade - they run down parallel streets, one block apart - only in Austin would that work.
*Amy's Ice Cream - it really is too bad that they are not allowed to fling icecream across Congress any more.
* and the one that I have been thinking about every year... Eeyore's birthday. It sounds like fun, like a true Austin festival. Drum circles, family friendly activities held at a local park in our beautiful city.
but...
but...
it seems that all is not as it seems. As I speak with those here at work, I find that this party is a hippy celebration, and on that day, the cops look the other way. This does not mean that I think it is completely bad - for not much really is. What it does mean is that I will approach with caution.
I think we really need to let people with families know what they might find at this festival. It is touted as family friendly, with lots of activities for kids...and I would hate for people to get there and find things they did not expect in an environment that is supposed to be for kids.
I would love to say more...but it is time to go...
Christa
*Trail of Lights - cool, especially twirling under the tree at the end of the trail
*SOCO - very cool to just wander around and look at the eclectic shops.
*SXSW (South by South West) and ACL - again very cool music festivals.
*The Bats under the Congress bridge - the largest urban bat colony in the US.
*The University of Texas - I don't think the city would be the same without it. The UT tower...everything under the sun is burnt orange... nope, definitely not the same.
*Town Lake - or Lady Bird Lake and the assorted paths where you can walk, jog, run, ride bike...etc. Beautiful!
*Marathons - oh boy are their marathons!
*The gay pride parade is the same day as the motorcycle parade - they run down parallel streets, one block apart - only in Austin would that work.
*Amy's Ice Cream - it really is too bad that they are not allowed to fling icecream across Congress any more.
* and the one that I have been thinking about every year... Eeyore's birthday. It sounds like fun, like a true Austin festival. Drum circles, family friendly activities held at a local park in our beautiful city.
but...
but...
it seems that all is not as it seems. As I speak with those here at work, I find that this party is a hippy celebration, and on that day, the cops look the other way. This does not mean that I think it is completely bad - for not much really is. What it does mean is that I will approach with caution.
I think we really need to let people with families know what they might find at this festival. It is touted as family friendly, with lots of activities for kids...and I would hate for people to get there and find things they did not expect in an environment that is supposed to be for kids.
I would love to say more...but it is time to go...
Christa
Friday, March 06, 2009
Books...
I just got an email from Amazon advertising the most recent version of the Kindle. A device that will download books and allow you to read them electronically.
I can think of many reasons that this is a good thing. Things like, saving our environment, lessening the amount of storage space needed in our homes, and...well, holding them might actually be more convenient than holding an actual book.
Here's the problem. I like putting my nose in a book (yes, literally...) I like the smell of the pages, especially when they are older. I like knowing that I can touch and feel and have that brief moment of excitement as I turn to the next page. And, it is impracticall to fall asleep on an electronic book - I don't even want to think of the damage a little bit of sleep-drool would do to the device!
So, I throw my attitudes about books in with Captain Kirk. I just want the real thing.
Christa
I can think of many reasons that this is a good thing. Things like, saving our environment, lessening the amount of storage space needed in our homes, and...well, holding them might actually be more convenient than holding an actual book.
Here's the problem. I like putting my nose in a book (yes, literally...) I like the smell of the pages, especially when they are older. I like knowing that I can touch and feel and have that brief moment of excitement as I turn to the next page. And, it is impracticall to fall asleep on an electronic book - I don't even want to think of the damage a little bit of sleep-drool would do to the device!
So, I throw my attitudes about books in with Captain Kirk. I just want the real thing.
Christa
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Reflections...
You know...I am sentimental about a lot of things, but not usually about New Years and the resolutions that come with. However, this year, I find that I am doing a lot more reflection than I recall doing in the past.
Last year was difficult...I am not going to kid anyone about that. I lost more than I wanted to, and have gained more than I thought I could in a year's time. I identify with Job. I have not lost near as much as he did, but I did lose a lot. Some of what I gave was given up begrudgingly, some of it was taken, and some things I just let go of. I speak of material things primarily here.
What I gained was not material - for the most part - it was Spiritual and emotional. Because I was in such a hard place, I had no choice but to lean on God to get me through - that DOES NOT mean that I think of God as an emotional crutch. It means that I learned trust. I learned that God will get me through, no matter what is going on in my life. He does not provide for every want in my life, but he does provide for every need. He showed me that some things I perceived as "needs" were really blessings and "wants" in disguise.
Still I find myself fearful of what I feel called to do. I often ask God why me? Why did he choose such a broken vessel to reach out and help his children? Why did he choose someone who, to all appearances, does not have a solid foundation, to give one to others? I don't understand at all.
There is quite a bit I have been pushing off as well. I have been doing busy work, making quilts and afghans, joining a book club (though that was thought provoking), and slowly reading books I should be focusing on. I want to take several steps this year.
1. I need to get away and take a few days to just walk through the things I have been thinking, spending time with God and asking Him to reveal what I need to know to grow further.
2. I intend to go back to counseling to help me deal with this fear. I have come to the rough conclusion that fear is what has held me back from alot of accomplishments - including weight loss.
3. I want to finish up projects I have been putting off for several years, and remake projects that were lost somehow.
4. I am serious about being the best godmother I can. I am floored by the decision of my good friends, and hope that my promise never has to be fulfilled. Those kids deserve their parents. Yet again, I am trusting God with them.
God has been good, and I know that He walks with me daily. Many times I feel how much I need his presence and how much I depend on His grace to get through the day.
Christa
Last year was difficult...I am not going to kid anyone about that. I lost more than I wanted to, and have gained more than I thought I could in a year's time. I identify with Job. I have not lost near as much as he did, but I did lose a lot. Some of what I gave was given up begrudgingly, some of it was taken, and some things I just let go of. I speak of material things primarily here.
What I gained was not material - for the most part - it was Spiritual and emotional. Because I was in such a hard place, I had no choice but to lean on God to get me through - that DOES NOT mean that I think of God as an emotional crutch. It means that I learned trust. I learned that God will get me through, no matter what is going on in my life. He does not provide for every want in my life, but he does provide for every need. He showed me that some things I perceived as "needs" were really blessings and "wants" in disguise.
Still I find myself fearful of what I feel called to do. I often ask God why me? Why did he choose such a broken vessel to reach out and help his children? Why did he choose someone who, to all appearances, does not have a solid foundation, to give one to others? I don't understand at all.
There is quite a bit I have been pushing off as well. I have been doing busy work, making quilts and afghans, joining a book club (though that was thought provoking), and slowly reading books I should be focusing on. I want to take several steps this year.
1. I need to get away and take a few days to just walk through the things I have been thinking, spending time with God and asking Him to reveal what I need to know to grow further.
2. I intend to go back to counseling to help me deal with this fear. I have come to the rough conclusion that fear is what has held me back from alot of accomplishments - including weight loss.
3. I want to finish up projects I have been putting off for several years, and remake projects that were lost somehow.
4. I am serious about being the best godmother I can. I am floored by the decision of my good friends, and hope that my promise never has to be fulfilled. Those kids deserve their parents. Yet again, I am trusting God with them.
God has been good, and I know that He walks with me daily. Many times I feel how much I need his presence and how much I depend on His grace to get through the day.
Christa
Sunday, January 04, 2009
It has been SOOOO long!
So, I am sitting here on a borrowed computer, just trying to get a few thoughts down before I have to relinquish control back to the Kids Ministry at church.
God has been amazing.
I don't dare even look back at my previous posts to see how I was. Maybe some other time.
God has been drawing me closer to Him in such amazing ways. I love him more now than I ever have in the past. I know that this is just a beginning, and I cannot wait to see how He is going to change me over and over and over again.
I have been letting go of myself. God is gracious enough to remove some of my selfishness. Not all unfortunately, but that is a work in progress.
I have so much to say...
To catch up:
a very good friend is going out of town for 6 months...then she gets married.
Dave and Sunny are going to have a baby next year.
Brian and Melissa have asked me to be godmother to their kids (that is so huge that I still can't completely comprehend it)
Dad came to visit in October, it was wonderful, but not long enough.
I hope that God is showing you amazing and wonderful things about yourself.
For me...I know that will be true.
Christa
God has been amazing.
I don't dare even look back at my previous posts to see how I was. Maybe some other time.
God has been drawing me closer to Him in such amazing ways. I love him more now than I ever have in the past. I know that this is just a beginning, and I cannot wait to see how He is going to change me over and over and over again.
I have been letting go of myself. God is gracious enough to remove some of my selfishness. Not all unfortunately, but that is a work in progress.
I have so much to say...
To catch up:
a very good friend is going out of town for 6 months...then she gets married.
Dave and Sunny are going to have a baby next year.
Brian and Melissa have asked me to be godmother to their kids (that is so huge that I still can't completely comprehend it)
Dad came to visit in October, it was wonderful, but not long enough.
I hope that God is showing you amazing and wonderful things about yourself.
For me...I know that will be true.
Christa
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
7 qualties of women you want to be around.
The 7 Qualities of Women You Want to Be Around
1. they see the strengths, not the limitations, in others. They make you poud to be yourself - because they tell you why you're so special.
2. They trust you so fullythat you feel compelled to meet their expectations. Consequntly, they make you feel like a better person than you normally are.
3. They respect you for what you have done and where you have come from.
4. They are authentic anddon't need you to lie to them to feed thir egos.
5. They live by teir rules but don't expect you to follow them.
6. they are at peace with themselves, so they don't have to prove anything to you.
7. They are goodlisteners and sincerely interested in you, so ou feel important. Because they're available for honest and genuine discussion, they make you want to share yourself.
1. they see the strengths, not the limitations, in others. They make you poud to be yourself - because they tell you why you're so special.
2. They trust you so fullythat you feel compelled to meet their expectations. Consequntly, they make you feel like a better person than you normally are.
3. They respect you for what you have done and where you have come from.
4. They are authentic anddon't need you to lie to them to feed thir egos.
5. They live by teir rules but don't expect you to follow them.
6. they are at peace with themselves, so they don't have to prove anything to you.
7. They are goodlisteners and sincerely interested in you, so ou feel important. Because they're available for honest and genuine discussion, they make you want to share yourself.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Going back to the beginning.
Last night, I had a great discussion with a friend of mine. This friend has his Doctorate in Astrophysics. He is a wonderful person I have known more than half my life. We were talking about religion, specifically the philosophy of religion and whether it can be true or not.
This got me to thinking. I really need to go back to the beginning and tell the reason I have for my faith. Last night we spoke about truth. Much of what he used in our discussion was to show how truth may not have been preserved. Okay. I can deal with that. I found the following website (http://biblicism.wordpress.com/2008/07/02/who-says-jesus-existed/) quickly, and it seems to be just what the Dr. ordered! (pun intended!)
I am going to spend some time working on the historical events of Jesus, because my friend is not likely to recognize the Bible as the source of authority. I don't blame him. It is like a person who has stolen asking you to believe that they are not a thief.
So...We shall see where this goes. I am excited for this challenge, as I am excited about how both my friend and I will be affected.
If you are a prayer warrior, please pray for both of us!
Christa
This got me to thinking. I really need to go back to the beginning and tell the reason I have for my faith. Last night we spoke about truth. Much of what he used in our discussion was to show how truth may not have been preserved. Okay. I can deal with that. I found the following website (http://biblicism.wordpress.com/2008/07/02/who-says-jesus-existed/) quickly, and it seems to be just what the Dr. ordered! (pun intended!)
I am going to spend some time working on the historical events of Jesus, because my friend is not likely to recognize the Bible as the source of authority. I don't blame him. It is like a person who has stolen asking you to believe that they are not a thief.
So...We shall see where this goes. I am excited for this challenge, as I am excited about how both my friend and I will be affected.
If you are a prayer warrior, please pray for both of us!
Christa
Friday, July 04, 2008
Two years and one day.
July 3, 2006 I arrived in Austin, Texas.
Since then, much has happened. I do not have time to list it all here, but my life is different in some pretty incredible ways. God has become more real to me than ever, and I am more in love with Him than I imagined possible. When I moved here, I did so on faith. I knew that God had led me here. It has been quite the rollercoaster ride of fun that has resulted in the most amazing 2 years of my life.
There are still times when I miss living in Arizona. I had a comfort zone there, and was really not looking to leave. I do admit that I did dream about leaving occasionally (usually when it had been over 100 degrees for 3 months or more), but rarely was it more than a dream.
As much as I like irony, I really enjoy the irony in my life. I have been patriotic my entire life. I love our flag and what it stands for. I do not always like what we do, but I celebrate a group of men who separated themselves from an tax crazy government. I love that at this time when fireworks sparkle in the sky and brass bands play the 1812 Overture, I am also celebrating my personal independence. I left much behind and it has been difficult, but not as difficult as staying would have been.
I look forward to the next two years!
Happy Independence Day all!
Since then, much has happened. I do not have time to list it all here, but my life is different in some pretty incredible ways. God has become more real to me than ever, and I am more in love with Him than I imagined possible. When I moved here, I did so on faith. I knew that God had led me here. It has been quite the rollercoaster ride of fun that has resulted in the most amazing 2 years of my life.
There are still times when I miss living in Arizona. I had a comfort zone there, and was really not looking to leave. I do admit that I did dream about leaving occasionally (usually when it had been over 100 degrees for 3 months or more), but rarely was it more than a dream.
As much as I like irony, I really enjoy the irony in my life. I have been patriotic my entire life. I love our flag and what it stands for. I do not always like what we do, but I celebrate a group of men who separated themselves from an tax crazy government. I love that at this time when fireworks sparkle in the sky and brass bands play the 1812 Overture, I am also celebrating my personal independence. I left much behind and it has been difficult, but not as difficult as staying would have been.
I look forward to the next two years!
Happy Independence Day all!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Waiting and growing
You know...when I was a baby Christian (which lasted a much longer time than I would have imagined) I used to think that God would renew my mind at the snap of His fingers. I wanted the easy solution. I have discovered that most of the time I am unaware that He is making changes until I look back and see the changes in my life.
Most recently, God has been drawing me closer to Him, and He is not doing it in a way that I would have begun to think would even work.
April of last year, God gave me a specific vision. The vision came after a time of struggle during which I gave up something in my life directly to God. I released my hold on it and gave the desire I had up to Him. The day after I gave it up, I had the vision. When it happened, I wrote it down and then began to pray about it. I figured the vision was one of three things; 1 - from God, 2 - from Satan as a distraction, or 3 - from my subconscious because I had not truly given it up. The last of the three grieved me the most.
I did not think about it much for a few weeks because it rattled me so strongly. After a few weeks, I spoke with a very good friend of mine to run it all by her. I told her the entire story and at the end of it, she told me she thought it was from God. Another friend prayed blindly and told me that she also thought it was from God.
At the time, I wanted it to happen quickly. I was SOOOOOO excited. I could barely contain myself. I knew that I could not share details, and still can't for that matter. But I did ask a few people to pray that God would help me remain patient for His timing and that I would learn all I needed to learn.
It is 14 months since the vision. God has used this time to bring me closer to Him than I have ever been in my life. He has asked me to depend on him in my financial life and in everything I have and am. God has not done this quickly, but He has done it. :) I have been brought to a place where I knew some of what God wanted/wants from me, but knew that I was unable to do it on my own. I sobbed harder than I have in a very long time and told him that I knew I was not able to do it. I did not know how. I asked Him to help me with those changes.
Do I still struggle with the old me? Yes, sometimes. More so when Satan is whispering in my ear. I know those are attacks, but do not always recognize them immediately. I am working on that.
As for the vision... God continues to give me strength and hope - even when it seems hopeless. He gives me confirmation that He is still working on this in my life. I continue to pray that I do not block His work and that others involved will go with Him through whatever they need to so they are prepared as well.
I know that God loves me - more than I can even begin to understand. I know that He has a plan for me. I just have to continue growing closer to Him and allowing Him to change me.
I hope it is soon...this waiting is difficult.
Christa
Most recently, God has been drawing me closer to Him, and He is not doing it in a way that I would have begun to think would even work.
April of last year, God gave me a specific vision. The vision came after a time of struggle during which I gave up something in my life directly to God. I released my hold on it and gave the desire I had up to Him. The day after I gave it up, I had the vision. When it happened, I wrote it down and then began to pray about it. I figured the vision was one of three things; 1 - from God, 2 - from Satan as a distraction, or 3 - from my subconscious because I had not truly given it up. The last of the three grieved me the most.
I did not think about it much for a few weeks because it rattled me so strongly. After a few weeks, I spoke with a very good friend of mine to run it all by her. I told her the entire story and at the end of it, she told me she thought it was from God. Another friend prayed blindly and told me that she also thought it was from God.
At the time, I wanted it to happen quickly. I was SOOOOOO excited. I could barely contain myself. I knew that I could not share details, and still can't for that matter. But I did ask a few people to pray that God would help me remain patient for His timing and that I would learn all I needed to learn.
It is 14 months since the vision. God has used this time to bring me closer to Him than I have ever been in my life. He has asked me to depend on him in my financial life and in everything I have and am. God has not done this quickly, but He has done it. :) I have been brought to a place where I knew some of what God wanted/wants from me, but knew that I was unable to do it on my own. I sobbed harder than I have in a very long time and told him that I knew I was not able to do it. I did not know how. I asked Him to help me with those changes.
Do I still struggle with the old me? Yes, sometimes. More so when Satan is whispering in my ear. I know those are attacks, but do not always recognize them immediately. I am working on that.
As for the vision... God continues to give me strength and hope - even when it seems hopeless. He gives me confirmation that He is still working on this in my life. I continue to pray that I do not block His work and that others involved will go with Him through whatever they need to so they are prepared as well.
I know that God loves me - more than I can even begin to understand. I know that He has a plan for me. I just have to continue growing closer to Him and allowing Him to change me.
I hope it is soon...this waiting is difficult.
Christa
Monday, June 02, 2008
Here I am just outside of Seattle. I am staying in a little town called North Bend. (for some reason, I keep thinking about South Bend Indiana...) I have been here since Wednesday night, and I am loving it. I am about 35 min outside the city, and it is amazingly gorgeous out here. There is a river that runs right behind the house where I am staying. All I have to do is go out about 50' and there it is! It is gorgeous and I can hear it all day long.
On Sunday, I visited The Pathways church in Mill Creek. The pastor at that church went to Central Christian Church in Mesa, Arizona at the same time I did. I found out that one of the people who also goes there (John Chandler and family) are moving to Austin in the next month. From that, I have had a flurry of new (old) friends on Facebook. Several of them I have not spoken to in several years. Most of these are people I met about 10 or 11 years ago. We were all in the college group together. I found out that almost all of them are married now with kids.
I know that God has a plan and timing for my life. I just feel so left behind. I am going to be 35 this year. When my parents were this age, I was turning 11! It is now getting to that time when being pregnant is more risky for me. I am concerned about this. I know that God has been working on me...and I am getting caught in the trap of comparing my life to that of others. I need to ask God to help me stay focussed on the things He wants me to learn.
So, a few tears have fallen, but I know that it is going to be great the wayGod has it for me.
On Sunday, I visited The Pathways church in Mill Creek. The pastor at that church went to Central Christian Church in Mesa, Arizona at the same time I did. I found out that one of the people who also goes there (John Chandler and family) are moving to Austin in the next month. From that, I have had a flurry of new (old) friends on Facebook. Several of them I have not spoken to in several years. Most of these are people I met about 10 or 11 years ago. We were all in the college group together. I found out that almost all of them are married now with kids.
I know that God has a plan and timing for my life. I just feel so left behind. I am going to be 35 this year. When my parents were this age, I was turning 11! It is now getting to that time when being pregnant is more risky for me. I am concerned about this. I know that God has been working on me...and I am getting caught in the trap of comparing my life to that of others. I need to ask God to help me stay focussed on the things He wants me to learn.
So, a few tears have fallen, but I know that it is going to be great the wayGod has it for me.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
What is worship?
The Bible tells me that true worship of God is to serve his people; feed the hungry, visit those in jail, clothe the naked, take care of widows.
I am asked to love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind. Love him...
What does it mean to love him?
We all know the Biblical definition of love - patient, kind, keeps no record of wrongs...etc (1 Corinthians 13). God is love. We are not love, but we can be in love, we can have love.
Is worship then a form of love? Can it be more than love? Can it be less than love? Can it be something other than love?
First back to my original question...what is worship?
Millions of people around the world worship gods. They do many things from the mundane to the absurd, to the extreme and violent.
Why do people do these things in the name of worship? What is it that they are trying to accomplish. It seems that there should be a point for the rituals and ceremonies we perform. Is worship a form of earning praise or attention or even favor in the after-life? Sometimes. Is worship a way to absolve a person of their guilt and shame? I think it can be an attempt to do so.
These questions come up because I just watched "The Fountain." It occurred to me as I was watching this movie that the main character loved his wife to the point of worshipping her. He could not conceive of living without her. She found peace in the idea that her body would become part of the earth and would become part of the grass and the trees...and therefore would feed the birds and fly with them. She would become part of what is in nature. That was enough for her. He saw her peace with this idea and clutched this with all he had. He did not believe in the idea, he believed in her. The movie is too complex for me to explain here. It did get me thinking...
He could not live without her. Was his trust in something trustworthy? No. I think that if something is going to save me from the life I have, it has to be bigger, be more than me - by quite a lot.
I will have to finish this later...I got distracted by a phone call with a few friends.
This will be worked on this week! (I certainly have the time to do so!)
me.
The Bible tells me that true worship of God is to serve his people; feed the hungry, visit those in jail, clothe the naked, take care of widows.
I am asked to love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind. Love him...
What does it mean to love him?
We all know the Biblical definition of love - patient, kind, keeps no record of wrongs...etc (1 Corinthians 13). God is love. We are not love, but we can be in love, we can have love.
Is worship then a form of love? Can it be more than love? Can it be less than love? Can it be something other than love?
First back to my original question...what is worship?
Millions of people around the world worship gods. They do many things from the mundane to the absurd, to the extreme and violent.
Why do people do these things in the name of worship? What is it that they are trying to accomplish. It seems that there should be a point for the rituals and ceremonies we perform. Is worship a form of earning praise or attention or even favor in the after-life? Sometimes. Is worship a way to absolve a person of their guilt and shame? I think it can be an attempt to do so.
These questions come up because I just watched "The Fountain." It occurred to me as I was watching this movie that the main character loved his wife to the point of worshipping her. He could not conceive of living without her. She found peace in the idea that her body would become part of the earth and would become part of the grass and the trees...and therefore would feed the birds and fly with them. She would become part of what is in nature. That was enough for her. He saw her peace with this idea and clutched this with all he had. He did not believe in the idea, he believed in her. The movie is too complex for me to explain here. It did get me thinking...
He could not live without her. Was his trust in something trustworthy? No. I think that if something is going to save me from the life I have, it has to be bigger, be more than me - by quite a lot.
I will have to finish this later...I got distracted by a phone call with a few friends.
This will be worked on this week! (I certainly have the time to do so!)
me.
Monday, May 19, 2008
I love what God is doing in my life these days. Some of what He is doing I am unable to share as of yet, but I will as soon as I am able.
What I can share, I will.
Last October, I put my two weeks notice in at my job. The idea was that it was time for me to work my Primerica business full time. That was MY plan, that was not God’s plan…God seemed to approve this step, but for completely different reasons. God used the next two and a half months to bring me to a place where I completely trust Him to provide for me. The full effects of that time are still in discovery. From the beginning of November to Mid January, I made approximately $200. Certainly not enough to live on. Several things happened to support me during that time, most of which was help from my parents and the emptying of my savings account.
I found that I spent much of that two months dealing with all sorts of garbage from my past – emotional mostly. God was helping me to face anger that I had buried, and to heal from some past scars. He was also teaching me to forgive myself and trust in who He made me to be. I was right that God was tearing down so that He could build me back up. I am quite thankful for that time…though it was not easy going through that time. I am sure I would not have dealt with so much so fast if I had not left Progressive.
By mid January, I decided that it was time for me to go get a job. I needed money pretty quickly so I put some applications in on line, and then I went to a temp agency. My plan was to get into a temp- to hire situation and be on with a company in pretty short order. When I went in, the agency said they had a job they thought would be a good fit. Unfortunately, the job did not start until the end of February. I told them that would be fine, but if any temporary jobs came up I would appreciate the income. I was told in pretty short order that those kind of jobs very rarely come up. I was not worried, I knew I had God on my side.
Within two days, I had a job offer for 1 day, then was asked to report to another job the next day. That job was with a physical therapy clinic as their front office staff member. It was a pretty perfect fit – if you ignore the corporate office! I met two very nice people, Mills and Stacy, and a few that I do not get along with so well. God provided peace and grace with the person I did not get along with.
From the beginning, I was told that the clinic really liked me and wanted to hire me full time. I gave information to have a background check done and prepared to become an employee. There were a few hiccups along the way between the employment agency and the company. These became a major problem. So much was the problem, that I was told my assignment had ended as of Friday May 3rd. At first I was shocked. I was not totally surprised, but to have it done with no warning… Then I found out that Mills did not know either. I had to tell him! I can’t even begin to understand why he was not the one to tell me. He offered to give me any kind of recommendation I might need in the future. He is very appreciative of the work I did for him and the clinic.
Now, it starts all over again. This time, however, I have this amazing sense of peace. The Bible describes that as a peace that passes all understanding. It is right…I don’t understand it, but I certainly feel its presence. God is AMAZING! I am perfectly aware of my responsibilities, but I am not at all worried about them. This last week, God has provided for me in an amazing way.
The week after I left the clinic, I was able to get in about 16 hours of work. I figured this meant that I would get paid round about $100 or so. I know that is not near enough to live on, so I prayed about it. I asked God for food and for gas. I figured the rest of it would work itself out.
On Thursday, I was headed home after work, and I realized that I did not have very much to eat. I was reminded that my friend had told me I could come over any time. When I arrived, she had just finished cooking dinner. She asked me to stay, and I was not about to say no! She then asked if we could hang out later that night. I agreed. She ended up taking me to the grocery store with her. I was not thinking anything of it because this family is on government assistance. They are in the same boat as I. She is on WIC, and told me on the way to the store that there is too much food on the certificate for them to eat in a week. She wanted to give what she did not need to me. SO, I left the grocery store with: 2 ½ gallons of lactose free milk, 2 bunches of bananas, a loaf of bread, a med size jar of peanut butter, 1 dozen eggs, 2 quarts of apple juice, rice, olive oil, garlic, lentils, black beans…almost too much food for ME to eat in a week!
I was thrilled. If I had tried to do it on my own, I would have been eating out of cans the entire week. God provided fresh, good food. Wow!
Friday, I went to a visit a new friend. God had introduced this woman to me at the Women’s conference earlier this month. When I left her house, I did so with $120 in my pocket. I did not ask her for the money. I did not tell her how bad things are right now. She told me she knew that I needed the help, and handed it over to me.
I also got a rebate check in the mail (not the IRS one…) that I have been waiting on for about 2 months. God is always on time!
I have also been learning a lot about my past behavior. God is showing me loud and clear how I was not honoring Him with money. He is teaching me to trust Him with EVERYTHING I have, that includes my paycheck. I am not by any means proud of how I used to behave, but I am glad I get the chance to start over and begin again. I look at this time period as a chance to build on God's foundation, not my own. I am really understanding the man who built his house on sand!
This week should be pretty good. I am getting paid again this week, and my mother is coming to visit on Saturday. I am picking her up at the airport that afternoon. She is in town until Tuesday, and then I am leaving Wednesday night to go to Seattle for almost 2 weeks.
The Seattle trip was planned before I knew that I was going to be struggling financially. As John said yesterday, “sounds like another opportunity to trust God.” I could not agree more. While I am gone I will be loaning my vehicle to a friend who is moving during that time. I don’t mind helping her out…I would hope someone would do that for me if I needed it.
So, I am excited about the upcoming months. God is moving powerfully in me and hopefully through me. I can’t wait to see what He is going to do next!
What I can share, I will.
Last October, I put my two weeks notice in at my job. The idea was that it was time for me to work my Primerica business full time. That was MY plan, that was not God’s plan…God seemed to approve this step, but for completely different reasons. God used the next two and a half months to bring me to a place where I completely trust Him to provide for me. The full effects of that time are still in discovery. From the beginning of November to Mid January, I made approximately $200. Certainly not enough to live on. Several things happened to support me during that time, most of which was help from my parents and the emptying of my savings account.
I found that I spent much of that two months dealing with all sorts of garbage from my past – emotional mostly. God was helping me to face anger that I had buried, and to heal from some past scars. He was also teaching me to forgive myself and trust in who He made me to be. I was right that God was tearing down so that He could build me back up. I am quite thankful for that time…though it was not easy going through that time. I am sure I would not have dealt with so much so fast if I had not left Progressive.
By mid January, I decided that it was time for me to go get a job. I needed money pretty quickly so I put some applications in on line, and then I went to a temp agency. My plan was to get into a temp- to hire situation and be on with a company in pretty short order. When I went in, the agency said they had a job they thought would be a good fit. Unfortunately, the job did not start until the end of February. I told them that would be fine, but if any temporary jobs came up I would appreciate the income. I was told in pretty short order that those kind of jobs very rarely come up. I was not worried, I knew I had God on my side.
Within two days, I had a job offer for 1 day, then was asked to report to another job the next day. That job was with a physical therapy clinic as their front office staff member. It was a pretty perfect fit – if you ignore the corporate office! I met two very nice people, Mills and Stacy, and a few that I do not get along with so well. God provided peace and grace with the person I did not get along with.
From the beginning, I was told that the clinic really liked me and wanted to hire me full time. I gave information to have a background check done and prepared to become an employee. There were a few hiccups along the way between the employment agency and the company. These became a major problem. So much was the problem, that I was told my assignment had ended as of Friday May 3rd. At first I was shocked. I was not totally surprised, but to have it done with no warning… Then I found out that Mills did not know either. I had to tell him! I can’t even begin to understand why he was not the one to tell me. He offered to give me any kind of recommendation I might need in the future. He is very appreciative of the work I did for him and the clinic.
Now, it starts all over again. This time, however, I have this amazing sense of peace. The Bible describes that as a peace that passes all understanding. It is right…I don’t understand it, but I certainly feel its presence. God is AMAZING! I am perfectly aware of my responsibilities, but I am not at all worried about them. This last week, God has provided for me in an amazing way.
The week after I left the clinic, I was able to get in about 16 hours of work. I figured this meant that I would get paid round about $100 or so. I know that is not near enough to live on, so I prayed about it. I asked God for food and for gas. I figured the rest of it would work itself out.
On Thursday, I was headed home after work, and I realized that I did not have very much to eat. I was reminded that my friend had told me I could come over any time. When I arrived, she had just finished cooking dinner. She asked me to stay, and I was not about to say no! She then asked if we could hang out later that night. I agreed. She ended up taking me to the grocery store with her. I was not thinking anything of it because this family is on government assistance. They are in the same boat as I. She is on WIC, and told me on the way to the store that there is too much food on the certificate for them to eat in a week. She wanted to give what she did not need to me. SO, I left the grocery store with: 2 ½ gallons of lactose free milk, 2 bunches of bananas, a loaf of bread, a med size jar of peanut butter, 1 dozen eggs, 2 quarts of apple juice, rice, olive oil, garlic, lentils, black beans…almost too much food for ME to eat in a week!
I was thrilled. If I had tried to do it on my own, I would have been eating out of cans the entire week. God provided fresh, good food. Wow!
Friday, I went to a visit a new friend. God had introduced this woman to me at the Women’s conference earlier this month. When I left her house, I did so with $120 in my pocket. I did not ask her for the money. I did not tell her how bad things are right now. She told me she knew that I needed the help, and handed it over to me.
I also got a rebate check in the mail (not the IRS one…) that I have been waiting on for about 2 months. God is always on time!
I have also been learning a lot about my past behavior. God is showing me loud and clear how I was not honoring Him with money. He is teaching me to trust Him with EVERYTHING I have, that includes my paycheck. I am not by any means proud of how I used to behave, but I am glad I get the chance to start over and begin again. I look at this time period as a chance to build on God's foundation, not my own. I am really understanding the man who built his house on sand!
This week should be pretty good. I am getting paid again this week, and my mother is coming to visit on Saturday. I am picking her up at the airport that afternoon. She is in town until Tuesday, and then I am leaving Wednesday night to go to Seattle for almost 2 weeks.
The Seattle trip was planned before I knew that I was going to be struggling financially. As John said yesterday, “sounds like another opportunity to trust God.” I could not agree more. While I am gone I will be loaning my vehicle to a friend who is moving during that time. I don’t mind helping her out…I would hope someone would do that for me if I needed it.
So, I am excited about the upcoming months. God is moving powerfully in me and hopefully through me. I can’t wait to see what He is going to do next!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
A few weekends ago, I went on a women's retreat. It was an amazing time and God showed me some incredible things! The theme of the weekend was Shalom. I am not going to take the time now to explain the depths we dove into on that topic. I will, however explain just a little bit about what God taught me that weekend.
The last session of the weekend, we were using scripture to directly combat specific lies that keep us from shalom. These lies came from our first session. The lies chosen did not resonate with me. I felt God asking me to read the verses that had been chosen to combat the lies. I read through them. Matthew 6:25-31 really stuck out to me. I have read those verses and have heard many sermons about those, but not in the way God wanted to speak to me.
Basically, He told me that the flowers and the grass are beautiful simply because God made them to be that way. If I, who am more cared for than those, are made in God's image, how can I be anything less than beautiful? The simple answer is that I can't be anything but beautiful!
now comes the hard part...getting my head and my heart to believe it. Though that is proving easier than I thought.
Last night I was watching my friend's little boy, Tenyson, for a few minutes while she went around and socialized. Another friend came and joined me. Her little girl, Nadia, was playing with Tenyson. I was laughing with them both and encouraging the interraction between them. Tenyson got my attention (I think he was trying to get my glasses or some such action...) and Nadia said the coolest thing. She tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear, "Miss Christa, you are beautiful!"
How sweet of God to give me such an honest compliment from a child in a time when I was not expecting it! I gave her as big a hug as I could and thanked her very much!
God is awesome!
me
The last session of the weekend, we were using scripture to directly combat specific lies that keep us from shalom. These lies came from our first session. The lies chosen did not resonate with me. I felt God asking me to read the verses that had been chosen to combat the lies. I read through them. Matthew 6:25-31 really stuck out to me. I have read those verses and have heard many sermons about those, but not in the way God wanted to speak to me.
Basically, He told me that the flowers and the grass are beautiful simply because God made them to be that way. If I, who am more cared for than those, are made in God's image, how can I be anything less than beautiful? The simple answer is that I can't be anything but beautiful!
now comes the hard part...getting my head and my heart to believe it. Though that is proving easier than I thought.
Last night I was watching my friend's little boy, Tenyson, for a few minutes while she went around and socialized. Another friend came and joined me. Her little girl, Nadia, was playing with Tenyson. I was laughing with them both and encouraging the interraction between them. Tenyson got my attention (I think he was trying to get my glasses or some such action...) and Nadia said the coolest thing. She tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear, "Miss Christa, you are beautiful!"
How sweet of God to give me such an honest compliment from a child in a time when I was not expecting it! I gave her as big a hug as I could and thanked her very much!
God is awesome!
me
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Holy Cow!
It has been three months since my last entry. It is not that things are even keel, but I guess I fell into the same trap everyone else does. The "I'll do it later..." trap.
So now, I have to catch up a bit.
February was not too notable. I was learning my job at Town and Country. I really enjoyed working with Mills and Stacy. They are great people. I did not like working with K - enough said. I did not do anything with Primerica, though I should have been. \
March - in comes Easter. Ah Easter. This is my second Easter here in Austin. Last year, I went to lunch with people from KidStuff. John Murchison hosted that one at Papacito's. It was GREAT. I had a good time last year. So, when I found out he was hosting another one this year, I decided that I would go. I had tentative plans with a family, but they ended up falling through. This year, John and his parents (and sister) hosted a dinner at the church office. It was potluck, and went very well. In fact, I think it went better than last year. It was easier for us to hear, and I got to meet some people I did not know very well. John's parents are great! I enjoyed meeting them.
At Easter dinner, I met Shaun. He leades a KidStuff small group and after a lengthy conversation, he invited me to join. I had been looking for a new group. The last one I attended kind of fell apart. I have since joined the group and am very much enjoying these new people.
The rest of the month was pretty calm.
April - Usher in the 1 year anniversary of my vision. Things are still in progress, I will post stuff here when I am able to talk about details. If you are reading this, please just keep it in prayer. ASk that I be patient and allow God to work in His timing. I despirately do not want to ruin anything through impatience or rash action.
At the beginning of the month, Adam, Stephen, Travis, Ian, Dave and I got together to start work on the KidStuff CD. The rehearsal pretty much tanked. I am sure that Adam was much more disappointed than I was. I am still in prayer about this, I know that God put that on Adam's heart, and I want very much for it to be a great ministry tool for the families of our church.
May - May has been a bit tumultuous. When I say a bit, I definitely mean more than that. HOwever, through all the craziness, I have peace. I know that God has given that to me, so I am thankful. I know that He is taking care of me and He knows what I need. The difficulty in this is that I am going to Seattle for 2 weeks at the end of this month. That makes it difficult to work the business, and to have any income coming in. Well...we shall see. I know that God provides, and I trust Him to do so this time too.
I have just been given a tip for a place to go check out. I shall add it to my list...
Pedernalis Falls State Park. Evidently it is right down the road. The cool thing is that the Law Firm I am working at right now has protected the ranches around the park so that they will not be developed! Yippee!!!
that is all for now. I really should lighten the data load on this computer!
me.
It has been three months since my last entry. It is not that things are even keel, but I guess I fell into the same trap everyone else does. The "I'll do it later..." trap.
So now, I have to catch up a bit.
February was not too notable. I was learning my job at Town and Country. I really enjoyed working with Mills and Stacy. They are great people. I did not like working with K - enough said. I did not do anything with Primerica, though I should have been. \
March - in comes Easter. Ah Easter. This is my second Easter here in Austin. Last year, I went to lunch with people from KidStuff. John Murchison hosted that one at Papacito's. It was GREAT. I had a good time last year. So, when I found out he was hosting another one this year, I decided that I would go. I had tentative plans with a family, but they ended up falling through. This year, John and his parents (and sister) hosted a dinner at the church office. It was potluck, and went very well. In fact, I think it went better than last year. It was easier for us to hear, and I got to meet some people I did not know very well. John's parents are great! I enjoyed meeting them.
At Easter dinner, I met Shaun. He leades a KidStuff small group and after a lengthy conversation, he invited me to join. I had been looking for a new group. The last one I attended kind of fell apart.
The rest of the month was pretty calm.
April - Usher in the 1 year anniversary of my vision. Things are still in progress, I will post stuff here when I am able to talk about details. If you are reading this, please just keep it in prayer. ASk that I be patient and allow God to work in His timing. I despirately do not want to ruin anything through impatience or rash action.
At the beginning of the month, Adam, Stephen, Travis, Ian, Dave and I got together to start work on the KidStuff CD. The rehearsal pretty much tanked. I am sure that Adam was much more disappointed than I was. I am still in prayer about this, I know that God put that on Adam's heart, and I want very much for it to be a great ministry tool for the families of our church.
May - May has been a bit tumultuous. When I say a bit, I definitely mean more than that. HOwever, through all the craziness, I have peace. I know that God has given that to me, so I am thankful. I know that He is taking care of me and He knows what I need. The difficulty in this is that I am going to Seattle for 2 weeks at the end of this month. That makes it difficult to work the business, and to have any income coming in. Well...we shall see. I know that God provides, and I trust Him to do so this time too.
I have just been given a tip for a place to go check out. I shall add it to my list...
Pedernalis Falls State Park. Evidently it is right down the road. The cool thing is that the Law Firm I am working at right now has protected the ranches around the park so that they will not be developed! Yippee!!!
that is all for now. I really should lighten the data load on this computer!
me.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
January 27, 2008
What a day… My understanding – such that I can have – of God has irrevocably changed. I am not yet sure how to integrate this change into my life, but there seems to be some settling at the deeper levels of me. I shall back up a step or 10. J
For as long as I can remember, my word for life has been “fair.” It is how I view the world. It is how I relate to it, and how I feel about it. I know that the world is not fair, but as much as I can, I attempt to be that way myself. People know me to be that way. Everything I have learned about God up to this point has shown that to me as well. However, I have missed quite a bit. I don’t know if I deliberately skipped over it, or whether I willfully disregarded it because it flew completely in the face of what I think and feel. I am guessing it is a bit of both.
I have never been of the opinion that some people were chosen by God at the beginning of time to be His own people and others were not called and have no hope of ever attaining heaven. I have held a view of free will. Every man has the chance to choose Christ. I have believed that if we do not choose, or neglect to choose, we go where our choice leads us.
Now I am not so sure I was right.
What has not changed:
I know God is Sovereign
I know He created us
I know that God sent his son to earth to pay for Sin and true belief in Christ saves us and allows us entry to God’s presence.
God loves us, he has plans for us.
What has changed:
Per scripture (Rom 8:28, 1 Cor 1:22-24, and others) God gives us the faith to believe in Him.
He chose us from the beginning to be His people – just as He did the Jews in the Abrahamic covenant.
I used to think that if we are not free to choose Him, then we are not much more than trained monkeys or programmed computers. Now, I am not so sure.
My sin condemns me to hell, God’s purity does not allow anything impure into His presence. The fact He reaches down and saves me at all is a miracle. Focus on that will get me through this.
Per Paul (NT) I cannot understand why God does what He does. I have to be like Job and accept that I am inadequate to judge God and decide what is fair. If God were fair, he would leave me where I am ultimately destined.
I am not there yet, and I certainly cannot figure out how to explain this to other people. I know that Brian and Mel as well as almost every other Christian I know will argue with me about this when I open my mouth about it.
On the other hand, this news comes as a bit of a relief. If it is God who has either chosen them or not chosen them, it is up to Him to do the saving. I still have to reach out to them, but it is up to God to breathe His life into their souls. There is also a humility that comes with recognizing that I should be in Hell and to be saved at all is a miracle. It makes putting a fish on the back of my car, or a cross around my neck, or a bracelet on my arm pointless. To do so is like advertising I am part of an exclusive club. It is better for me to learn more about the character of God and allow Him to do the work. There is an immense amount of relief in this understanding.
The big thing that I wrestle with is: Why is hell so awful if we don’t have a choice whether we go there or not? I get it being awful if we have chosen to reject God or were apathetic to Him…but if there is no choice…why? To spend eternity so tormented because God did not choose them. Do people weep and gnash their teeth because they are separate from God and are feeling the full weight of that loss?
I have been talking about this for a few weeks with my friend Deanne. She has believed the above for some time, and asked me why I did not. I told her all my reasons, and knew she was thinking of me during the sermon today. She said something very important to me a few weeks ago. She pointed out that in the Old Testament; God very specifically set the Jews apart from all the other nations. In many cases, he wiped out those other nations. Much of our teaching is that the OT is allegorical for how God continues to work. SO, her point is that if God specifically set apart a group of people as His own before Jesus came, why should it not be the same now. Sacrifice was a foreshadowing of the price paid on the cross.
NOTE: It is mentioned by Jesus that Abraham was saved by his ____________ . I want to look that up to see what the reference is.
Honestly I am leaning towards what Matt has to say. Towards his teaching today that completely sets my world on end.
I know that today I felt God with me more than I have ever during a service. He was giving me chills the entire time. God brought me to the Stone. God brought me to Austin and put in my past a close friend who struggled for years with this same issue.
Those who God will save still need us to reach out to them. Our kindness in the world is still appreciated and needed. The behavior that comes with being a Christian does not change because of HOW I become saved. God is still with me – in fact, it is more of a blessing that He sent His son and cares enough to answer prayer and to help us out in time of need. Blessings become sweeter with this revelation. I did not see how special my salvation was before. I am getting glimpses now. This is enhancing my view of God instead of diminishing it as I had thought it would do.
What a day… My understanding – such that I can have – of God has irrevocably changed. I am not yet sure how to integrate this change into my life, but there seems to be some settling at the deeper levels of me. I shall back up a step or 10. J
For as long as I can remember, my word for life has been “fair.” It is how I view the world. It is how I relate to it, and how I feel about it. I know that the world is not fair, but as much as I can, I attempt to be that way myself. People know me to be that way. Everything I have learned about God up to this point has shown that to me as well. However, I have missed quite a bit. I don’t know if I deliberately skipped over it, or whether I willfully disregarded it because it flew completely in the face of what I think and feel. I am guessing it is a bit of both.
I have never been of the opinion that some people were chosen by God at the beginning of time to be His own people and others were not called and have no hope of ever attaining heaven. I have held a view of free will. Every man has the chance to choose Christ. I have believed that if we do not choose, or neglect to choose, we go where our choice leads us.
Now I am not so sure I was right.
What has not changed:
I know God is Sovereign
I know He created us
I know that God sent his son to earth to pay for Sin and true belief in Christ saves us and allows us entry to God’s presence.
God loves us, he has plans for us.
What has changed:
Per scripture (Rom 8:28, 1 Cor 1:22-24, and others) God gives us the faith to believe in Him.
He chose us from the beginning to be His people – just as He did the Jews in the Abrahamic covenant.
I used to think that if we are not free to choose Him, then we are not much more than trained monkeys or programmed computers. Now, I am not so sure.
My sin condemns me to hell, God’s purity does not allow anything impure into His presence. The fact He reaches down and saves me at all is a miracle. Focus on that will get me through this.
Per Paul (NT) I cannot understand why God does what He does. I have to be like Job and accept that I am inadequate to judge God and decide what is fair. If God were fair, he would leave me where I am ultimately destined.
I am not there yet, and I certainly cannot figure out how to explain this to other people. I know that Brian and Mel as well as almost every other Christian I know will argue with me about this when I open my mouth about it.
On the other hand, this news comes as a bit of a relief. If it is God who has either chosen them or not chosen them, it is up to Him to do the saving. I still have to reach out to them, but it is up to God to breathe His life into their souls. There is also a humility that comes with recognizing that I should be in Hell and to be saved at all is a miracle. It makes putting a fish on the back of my car, or a cross around my neck, or a bracelet on my arm pointless. To do so is like advertising I am part of an exclusive club. It is better for me to learn more about the character of God and allow Him to do the work. There is an immense amount of relief in this understanding.
The big thing that I wrestle with is: Why is hell so awful if we don’t have a choice whether we go there or not? I get it being awful if we have chosen to reject God or were apathetic to Him…but if there is no choice…why? To spend eternity so tormented because God did not choose them. Do people weep and gnash their teeth because they are separate from God and are feeling the full weight of that loss?
I have been talking about this for a few weeks with my friend Deanne. She has believed the above for some time, and asked me why I did not. I told her all my reasons, and knew she was thinking of me during the sermon today. She said something very important to me a few weeks ago. She pointed out that in the Old Testament; God very specifically set the Jews apart from all the other nations. In many cases, he wiped out those other nations. Much of our teaching is that the OT is allegorical for how God continues to work. SO, her point is that if God specifically set apart a group of people as His own before Jesus came, why should it not be the same now. Sacrifice was a foreshadowing of the price paid on the cross.
NOTE: It is mentioned by Jesus that Abraham was saved by his ____________ . I want to look that up to see what the reference is.
Honestly I am leaning towards what Matt has to say. Towards his teaching today that completely sets my world on end.
I know that today I felt God with me more than I have ever during a service. He was giving me chills the entire time. God brought me to the Stone. God brought me to Austin and put in my past a close friend who struggled for years with this same issue.
Those who God will save still need us to reach out to them. Our kindness in the world is still appreciated and needed. The behavior that comes with being a Christian does not change because of HOW I become saved. God is still with me – in fact, it is more of a blessing that He sent His son and cares enough to answer prayer and to help us out in time of need. Blessings become sweeter with this revelation. I did not see how special my salvation was before. I am getting glimpses now. This is enhancing my view of God instead of diminishing it as I had thought it would do.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
It has been a year and a half since I moved to Texas. I love it here. I feel like this was the place I have been meant to be. God has been working on me and in me since I got here. Not that He was not working before, but this is different. I am in a place where I have to focus on Him. He has my attention, and I am glad for that. Sometimes his idea of work is to completely demolish and rebuild from scratch. The demolition process sucks! I have to admit I am looking forward to the rebuild. I can see glimpses of where He is taking me, and I am excited to become that person.
I have taken several chances recently. One of them is not working out the way I thought, however I am happy with my life.
I don't have much else to say. I know this has been ambiguous, but I am not able to be more specific right now.
My prayer is that I will be able to learn all God has for me, and that I will let go of the things I no longer need.
In Him,
Christa
I have taken several chances recently. One of them is not working out the way I thought, however I am happy with my life.
I don't have much else to say. I know this has been ambiguous, but I am not able to be more specific right now.
My prayer is that I will be able to learn all God has for me, and that I will let go of the things I no longer need.
In Him,
Christa
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