My favorite blog: http://www.ctomlin.blogspot.com/

Check out the pictures of Chris's new dog, Lucky!

In other news, I have been dealing with a question that my roommate brought up. The essense of the question is about sex before marriage. I have been doing some extensive searching and have not found a specific instruction saying not to have sex before marriage. It speaks about lustful behavior, and there are references to God celebrating virginity in heaven - which I think speaks volumes, but nothing clear cut.

I have prayed about it, and the answer I got is that it has to do with the commitment to God. Do not have sex outside of marriage because you have not yet made the commitment to God. Otherwise the whole thing breaks down. If there is a difference between having sex while in love with someone besides it just being about lust, then why do we have marriage? What is the point if something God gave us as a gift can be used outside that commitment to God? If two people think they love one another, really think it, and have sex and then do not get married - is that wrong? Yes. If engagement is the key, why does God not talk about engagement - he does with Mary and Joseph, but it is also implied that there could be horrible consequences if Joseph were to leave Mary. It refers to it as a divorce - showing that engagement in that culture means something different than it does in ours. In our culture, engagements come and go (so do marriages...but that is another topic) they are not the strong commitment they were in Jesus day.

So again, is it ok to have sex before marriage? God says not to commit adultary. Adultary is defined as a married man or woman having sex with an unmarried partner. Both can be guilty of adultary. That is a message about married and unmarried people revering the state of marriage and its importance to God. Ok. What about unmarried people? Am I reaching to say that God wants to protect the marriage bed? Should we be protecting it before we get in it?

Another key verse - "the two shall cleave together and become one flesh" from Genesis shows that marriage is more than just a commitment to God, it is a commitment to one another. I think that it also shows that when two people come together, their joining is more than just bodies, it is hearts, souls and spirits joining.

I just looked up the word cleave in the dictionary. The difinitions are as follows:

1. To split with or as if with a sharp instrument. See Synonyms at tear1.
2. To make or accomplish by or as if by cutting: cleave a path through the ice.
3. To pierce or penetrate: The wings cleaved the foggy air.
4. (Chemistry) To split (a complex molecule) into simpler molecules.

I was a bit confused for a moment - but I think the third is the clearest. To cleave foggy air, wings have to move through and change. The fog does not stay the same as the wings move through it.

Is that the clue? Do we know this is happening when someone begins to move us and leave us not changed? No, because there are many people who have been that kind of influence to me. But, I think that it can alude to us moving and making room for that person, that will change us permanently. It changes our shape, and becomes part of us. I think that is the difference. I also begin to think that sex is not the object here, it is an outward expression of what we feel for one another-a gift from our creator.

So how does this fit with the story of Lot's daughters who got their father drunk and got pregnant with him. Their children were blessed by God. Was he considered married to them? I tend to think no because he was not even aware that he was the father. The Bible does not specifically say that what these women did was wrong, but do we see any other women doing that and being applauded? No. Who's to say that God did not recognize their sin but did not choose to make that a part of the story. My roommate used that story as part of his argument. I think that it is a mistake to think that just because it is not said in that story that God was ok with the conduct of these women.

My conclusion here is that God's commands about purity are about the marriage bed. Sex is powerful and affects the soul. I think that even if we love one another, we need to honor marriage by not having sex before marriage - just in case something happens and we do not get married to that person, or the relationship. We may be acting in love - truly but we are acting outside of a commitment to God.

Christa

Thank you for letting me think that through. I know that I ramble a bit...but it is helpful to my thought processes.

I just wanted to post quickly - as school is taking quite a bit of my free time now - that school is going very well.

I find that I am adapting to the online classroom well, and the teacher has commented on my posts several times. All positive!

As before, I am still in my healing process and find that I am overly emotional and sensitive most times. However, knowledge of this will God to bring this to my mind as I am getting that way. I recognize the signs of healing.

Trailady commented to me that maybe God will give me my own family some day. I truely hope so. That is a desire of my heart, however I realize that He knows what will fulfill me. I am willing to accept the blessings He gives.

Things are well otherwise. I hope it is well with you too.

Christa

Happy New Year !

I am going to be trite and say "I can't believe it's 2006 already!"

Ok...it has been said. :) Here's to hoping I have gotten it out of my system.

I liken that comment to the "It is SOOOOO hot outside" comments in the middle of summer. For those just joining us, this becomes important because I live in the Phoenix Arizona area. Of course it is hot! I live in the desert! The average temperature during the summer is 100+ degrees. How could it not be hot?

Ok... that is out of my system too.

I had a good time new Year's Eve, and have some pretty fun pictures of the evening.

I have decided that this new year is about priorities. I have been drifting for some time - drifting personally, spiritually, and even professionally. I have been frustrated at my lack of ability to get done the things that I want to get done in all three of the previously mentioned areas. So, this year is about getting things right, and setting up a system for reevaluation so that I can make sure I am still heading in the right direction.

I do not plan to do this alone. I already have a mentor and a great roommate on my side that I believe God has blessed me with. I also have a stronger desire to go to God with what consider to be smaller issues in my life. Romans 12:1-2 is written on the mirror in my bathroom and has shown up in several places as I have been reading lately. I have a feeling both parts of that are what apply to me. The first part about offering myself up in service to God, but also and equally important is the part about the renewing of my mine. I welcome that renewal. I thank God for all He is doing daily to affect that change in me.

I am also excited about the degree program I have entered. In case I have not mentioned the actual degree here (I am sure I have, but I will say it again!), my major is a BA in Christian Studies focussing on Worship. This suits me to a T, and I cannot see it changing any time soon.

Christa

Happy New year! (almost)

I am working today - I am an insurance agent who works in a call center environment. We are open today so I am working. I do not mind as the calls are quick and people have been generally happy.

Last night I went and saw Wallace and Grommet with Robert, Bear, and my friend, Barbara. We laughed so hard! Gotta love Brittish humor! :) I really would like to get that when it comes out on DVD.

I have discovered as I have been working through my pain that I have a VERY difficult time understanding how much other people care for me. I am certain this also reflects the same on my relationship with God. The past year has been a year of discovery, of growth - probably the best I have had since I was saved. When I became saved, I did not have the "A-ha" moment that some people have. I did not change immediately, and I did not have the hunger for the Word that I have heard about. In fact - not much at all changed. For quite some time I wondered (when I thought about it) if indeed I was saved at all. The development of that story is for another time, however.

So, at risk of sitting here at my desk crying, the coldness of my family towards me has colored my world in shades of gray that only hinted at the broad range of color beyond. I have been looking for something for years that I am only now finding. Christ has truely been my Savior. He is saving me from this unhealthy life I have been living and is pouring His light and grace into my thirsty spirit. The more I am filled, the easier it is becoming to deal with what is left. It is not easier in the emotional sense, but in the logical sense. I know that I have to go through these things in order to help me out the rest of my life. Knowing that and seeing God's providence in my life are making this time bearable - and successful. I have to remind myself sometimes that life is different, but I know that is part of this healing process. Eventually I will not have to remind myself because I will BE different. :) I will have other things to face then. ;) The great thing about being human is that we are not perfect. I am glad to have things to work on, however, sometimes I wish that there was not so much of it to work on .

Ok...enough about me for now. I will probably write more as the purging continues!

Christa

New Christmas memories. :)

This year for Christmas, there were several things new and different.

Sure I was in the Christmas Eve service at church - as I have been for the past 5 years or so. However, this year we did something different. The entire service was comprised of a drama that told the story of Jesus birth from an Elderly Mary's point of view. The drama was interspursed with various Christmas songs, and was a big hit overall. I am thrilled we did this, and hope that we can find more ingenius ways to Celebrate the birth of our Savior.

Christmas day my church opted to have one service. I was supposed to sing in that too - but I got sick. I was fine the night before, and even went to my worship pastor's home for a late dinner. Robert and Bear came as well. (In case I have not previously mentioned, Bear (short for Roberto) is Robert's 5 year old son) We had a good dinner, and then went home. On the way home, I started feeling nausiated. By early morning, I realized that I had a good case of the stomach flu that lasted through Christmas day and the day after. I did not mind so much. Robert took care of me.

I am not used to anyone taking care of me. At my parent's home, when I would get sick, they would just leave me alone to fend for myself. Robert did not do that. He did all the things people do for those who are ill. I found myself appreciating the care.

Bear had a wonderful Christmas morning. I know for a fact that he did not sleep at all the night before as he was SOOOOOOO excited about the presents that had been arranged on the kitchen table. We did not have a tree this year for financial reasons. The gifts were more than enough!

Robert gave me 3 books. Two to help me grow, and 1 that gives all sorts of information on Narnia. I am thrilled by the books, and I hope I can do justice with that information. I have started reading one of them, "Only a Woman" by, um...not sure at the moment. I can write that info later. However, I was not sure about it as I do not think of myself as less capable because I am a woman. This book is about that, but I can tell that it was an inspired choice. There have already been things in this that are helping me to change my perception of who I am in Christ.

The other is a book about priorities. I have not yet started that one but will do that after I finish the book I just mentioned.

Something else great happened this week.

I got a skill/interest evaluation back from work. I typically do not put much stock in those things as they usually tell me that I can do pretty much whatever I would like to do. This one was different. It has pointed me in a direction I was not aware of yet. I am in prayer about this and feel it may be the right thing.

It showed my strengths to be in public speaking, music, teaching, and helping people. Also I was shown to have a high interest/ skill in religion. So, I have added all that together - along with something that came up several months ago...and decided that I need to go back to school. I started going to college, but have never gotten very far. I applied at Grand Canyon University yesterday. We even chose my classes for the spring semester.

When I made this decision and started looking around, joy deeper than I have known welled up inside and I almost started weeping right at my desk at work. I have not been this thrilled about doing something - ever! I was disappointed that I was not able to continue going to school before. Robert is behind me on this, but is concerned that I will not continue working on my emotional baggage.

I think doing something I have wanted to do, something that is good for me mentally would help with the baggage. I cannot spend all my time dealing with the past. I need to also work on a good future. The good news is that the first classes I am taking are basic and will still allow for the time I will need to continue dealing through my hurt.

the other thing I pointed out to him was that God has been amazing at shutting down the things I was not supposed to be doing. When I am following His leading - the doors just open up and things go smoother than I could ever imagine. So far, this has been one of those kind of things.

I trust in Ephesians 3:20 - that God's plans for me are more than I can imagine. I hope I am able to continue reading His signs for me so that I can be the woman He wants me to be.

Christa

Merry Christmas!

Sometimes I wonder what makes a holiday special.

What makes it special for you...?

My roommate and I are two completely different people when it comes to how we like to celebrate - well - anything. I have been a bit frustrated with this, but not as much as I would have thought.

When I was growing up, my family did not have much money. My father was in the Air Force, and I spent much of my youth living 0n military bases - where our neighbors were close enough to hear them sneeze through the walls! For us, birthdays and Christmas were a BIG DEAL. (read - gigantic, enormous, HUGE) I have carried on that tradition into my adulthood. Years ago, I realized that there are (shock and surprise) people out there who do not even pay attention to birthdays, and who blow through the special moments (like Christmas). I love to decorate, I love to bake and prepare for the holiday. I like the shopping, wrapping and especially the giving of gifts to others. I do not like the writing of the Christmas card - as I usually get about 48% (ok...maybe 41-59%) through the process and then do not finish . I think I will write a letter the beginning of next year and send that out - thank goodness I only spent $4 on my cards this year! (so what DO you do with all those unsigned cards?)

But I digress...

On the good side of things, Robert is all about providing for a need when the need is there. He is generous and gives from the heart when he feels the need to give. I have learned a lot from him the past few months. So, his lack of focus on Christmas as a time of celebration has everything to do with his non-materialistic view of the world. He is stoic in his nature, and rarely shows excitement, or any emotion for that matter. It is much easier to get him to laugh than to see he is excited about something. Me on the other hand - total opposite. Have you ever seen one of those dogs (usually small) that shake when they get excited? I am like that. To me excitement is a physical thing - and unfortunately is still tied to my ego. (I know - I know...I am working on that part). If others around me are not excited it is very easy to pop my excitement balloon and disappoint me greatly - even hurt my feelings if it is not done right.

Robert is a new Christian, however God has blessed him with good insight and wisdom. Robert is an unusual kind of person. Once he makes a decision it is done. No turning back, no straying to the old ways. It is pretty impressive (and a bit intimidating) to watch.

Maybe I should retitle this "Kyeta's Ramblings..." Just a thought....

In my last posting, I mentioned moving to Austin. Well, earlier this year- through what I feel is divine prompting - I went on a weekend trip to Austin. Several things happened, and the trip was not at all what I had thought it would be. During the trip, I met Celeste. She and I hooked up and have pretty much formed a strong bond. She had just been through an interstate move in which she thought she was being called to Austin. She thought that I was about to go through the very same things. Interesting. Also - interestingly enough, she stopped going to the church I visited (and met her at) shortly after my trip because she was not finding her place there. She only went early one time to set up, and it was the time we met. We have been talking ever since. I enjoy her company and we have spoken about getting an apartment together when I move down there - if indeed that happens.

So this posting was to be about Christmas.

I am not about to go into the complex (at least to me) baggage I have been dealing with the past few months in regards to my family. I have spent more time crying these past 2 months than I care to think about. Do I feel stronger? Yes. Do I feel more sure - no - but I am sure more is to come for me. I think this is the catharsis - which is painful.

What is Christmas to me? Since I have become a Christian, the meaning has changed. Many of my traditions have not (Christmas Eve, candellight service, opening of one gift on Christmas Eve, celebrating this time with those I love and care for...). They all hold new meaning for me as my relationship with Christ grows. I realize that I choose to give to people during this time of the year as a reflection of what Christ gave to us. I cannot give anything near the magnitude of what Christ has given, so instead what I give I choose specifically for the person. I think of their likes and preferences - and try to get something appropriate to them.

The past few years with my family...I do not want to go too deep here as crying is not an option where I am writing this. There is a chasm between my family and I. They do not know me, and as a result they do not know what I like or what is appropriate for me. I have had to tell them exactly what I want for years now. To be fair, I do not spend much time at home. They have little opportunity to know me as them time I did spend at home was spent in my room to stay away from the tension and the arguing. I realize that my decision to go to therapy to work through some of the dysfunction I experienced and grew up with has made it so that the family is toxic to me and therefore I leave them be. It still hurts. My problem is that I want SO much for them to grow and to become more healthy, that I forget that they are not and their unhealthiness hurts me when they are acting as they normally have. It is my fault that I have continued to allow them to hurt me. However I understand that the desire comes from a place where I think that my family is not supposed to hurt me, they are not supposed to treat me as they do. I feel a lot of things - one of which is abandoned. I feel that they maybe never did know me - even though I remember times when we laughed together. Things have only gotten bad when I decided to heal. I suppose that means I am the crab trying to get out of the pot...

It is hard to accept. It is hard to let go and know what is supposed to be next. I feel this desire to be connected to others as is natural to us as Humans I think... but I do not know how to go about forming healthy relationships with those I could share life with.

I struggle with knowing God's will for my life - and yet somehow feel that this is the right place. This place that is causing grief in so many other areas (yes, I did lose the job at my church - however I understand and endorse why) is also one of the best places for healing, growth, and experiencing God in my life than any I can remember - ever.

I hope that I am able to continue working on my CD, as I want that music to glorify God. I also hope that I can learn more on the guitar so that I can play on my cd. That may not be until next one though! ;)

enough for now.

Merry Christmas Everyone, and here is to new beginnings. Ones that start with God and lead to God.

Christa

Oh- Thank you, Chris Tomlin for your song "You're the One" from the Narnia soundtrack. I am in love with this song, and have found some chords on line so I can learn to play it. My roommate is getting sick of hearing it. I think I need to buy some headphones...

C

So I have been in the apartment for a month now. Things are getting settled down. I am still confused about where God is leading me. Earlier this year there was a great period of time when I thought I would be moving to Austin. I don't feel that door closing, but I also do not feel I am supposed to go as of yet.

The consequences of my current living situation are that I may lose my job at the church and I may also lose a leadership position I have in a singles ministry. I know that I am not doing anything wrong, however the appearance of evil has others running. I don't blame them. I completely understand that the church cannot appear to be supporting what I am doing. It could only hurt others. So, if that happens, I will be at the mercy of God to help me make the finances work. It will be a struggle, but I am sure it can happen.

I have also been thinking about getting rid of my truck and finding something with a lot lower monthly payment - if any at all. I am not sure how to address that, but I am in prayer and Hope that God will answer soon.

There is quite a bit going on, but I have little heart to sit and write it all here...it is already in my personal journal and will have to stay there for now.

I have been reading "Celebration of Discipline" and have just gone through the chapters on Prayer and Fasting. WOW! I am going to read them again and again. I may not even get past this for some time. I can already feel a difference in my prayer life, and wonder if I am meant for fasting. I would have to prepare myself for it and make sure that it is with right motives.

Well, I have to go now. I have the menu for the week to prepare and then I have a meeting with my mentor!

Christa

Chris Tomlin Concert

Last night I went to our beloved Celebrity Theatre to see Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman and Louie Giglio in concert. I had front row seating, and have discovered that I like such things!

The concert was amazing. I so rarely get a chance to worship with others that it was a real treat to be part of the group of worshipers singing with them. Louie's message about perspective, the universe and being cherished was amazing. I have been surfing www.hubblesite.org all day. :)

I can't say enough about how much it meant to me to be part of a group of worshipers as a teaser of heaven. I can just imagine how much our spirits will lift up in worship of God without the earthy weight, concerns and distractions.

Christa