Merry Christmas!

Sometimes I wonder what makes a holiday special.

What makes it special for you...?

My roommate and I are two completely different people when it comes to how we like to celebrate - well - anything. I have been a bit frustrated with this, but not as much as I would have thought.

When I was growing up, my family did not have much money. My father was in the Air Force, and I spent much of my youth living 0n military bases - where our neighbors were close enough to hear them sneeze through the walls! For us, birthdays and Christmas were a BIG DEAL. (read - gigantic, enormous, HUGE) I have carried on that tradition into my adulthood. Years ago, I realized that there are (shock and surprise) people out there who do not even pay attention to birthdays, and who blow through the special moments (like Christmas). I love to decorate, I love to bake and prepare for the holiday. I like the shopping, wrapping and especially the giving of gifts to others. I do not like the writing of the Christmas card - as I usually get about 48% (ok...maybe 41-59%) through the process and then do not finish . I think I will write a letter the beginning of next year and send that out - thank goodness I only spent $4 on my cards this year! (so what DO you do with all those unsigned cards?)

But I digress...

On the good side of things, Robert is all about providing for a need when the need is there. He is generous and gives from the heart when he feels the need to give. I have learned a lot from him the past few months. So, his lack of focus on Christmas as a time of celebration has everything to do with his non-materialistic view of the world. He is stoic in his nature, and rarely shows excitement, or any emotion for that matter. It is much easier to get him to laugh than to see he is excited about something. Me on the other hand - total opposite. Have you ever seen one of those dogs (usually small) that shake when they get excited? I am like that. To me excitement is a physical thing - and unfortunately is still tied to my ego. (I know - I know...I am working on that part). If others around me are not excited it is very easy to pop my excitement balloon and disappoint me greatly - even hurt my feelings if it is not done right.

Robert is a new Christian, however God has blessed him with good insight and wisdom. Robert is an unusual kind of person. Once he makes a decision it is done. No turning back, no straying to the old ways. It is pretty impressive (and a bit intimidating) to watch.

Maybe I should retitle this "Kyeta's Ramblings..." Just a thought....

In my last posting, I mentioned moving to Austin. Well, earlier this year- through what I feel is divine prompting - I went on a weekend trip to Austin. Several things happened, and the trip was not at all what I had thought it would be. During the trip, I met Celeste. She and I hooked up and have pretty much formed a strong bond. She had just been through an interstate move in which she thought she was being called to Austin. She thought that I was about to go through the very same things. Interesting. Also - interestingly enough, she stopped going to the church I visited (and met her at) shortly after my trip because she was not finding her place there. She only went early one time to set up, and it was the time we met. We have been talking ever since. I enjoy her company and we have spoken about getting an apartment together when I move down there - if indeed that happens.

So this posting was to be about Christmas.

I am not about to go into the complex (at least to me) baggage I have been dealing with the past few months in regards to my family. I have spent more time crying these past 2 months than I care to think about. Do I feel stronger? Yes. Do I feel more sure - no - but I am sure more is to come for me. I think this is the catharsis - which is painful.

What is Christmas to me? Since I have become a Christian, the meaning has changed. Many of my traditions have not (Christmas Eve, candellight service, opening of one gift on Christmas Eve, celebrating this time with those I love and care for...). They all hold new meaning for me as my relationship with Christ grows. I realize that I choose to give to people during this time of the year as a reflection of what Christ gave to us. I cannot give anything near the magnitude of what Christ has given, so instead what I give I choose specifically for the person. I think of their likes and preferences - and try to get something appropriate to them.

The past few years with my family...I do not want to go too deep here as crying is not an option where I am writing this. There is a chasm between my family and I. They do not know me, and as a result they do not know what I like or what is appropriate for me. I have had to tell them exactly what I want for years now. To be fair, I do not spend much time at home. They have little opportunity to know me as them time I did spend at home was spent in my room to stay away from the tension and the arguing. I realize that my decision to go to therapy to work through some of the dysfunction I experienced and grew up with has made it so that the family is toxic to me and therefore I leave them be. It still hurts. My problem is that I want SO much for them to grow and to become more healthy, that I forget that they are not and their unhealthiness hurts me when they are acting as they normally have. It is my fault that I have continued to allow them to hurt me. However I understand that the desire comes from a place where I think that my family is not supposed to hurt me, they are not supposed to treat me as they do. I feel a lot of things - one of which is abandoned. I feel that they maybe never did know me - even though I remember times when we laughed together. Things have only gotten bad when I decided to heal. I suppose that means I am the crab trying to get out of the pot...

It is hard to accept. It is hard to let go and know what is supposed to be next. I feel this desire to be connected to others as is natural to us as Humans I think... but I do not know how to go about forming healthy relationships with those I could share life with.

I struggle with knowing God's will for my life - and yet somehow feel that this is the right place. This place that is causing grief in so many other areas (yes, I did lose the job at my church - however I understand and endorse why) is also one of the best places for healing, growth, and experiencing God in my life than any I can remember - ever.

I hope that I am able to continue working on my CD, as I want that music to glorify God. I also hope that I can learn more on the guitar so that I can play on my cd. That may not be until next one though! ;)

enough for now.

Merry Christmas Everyone, and here is to new beginnings. Ones that start with God and lead to God.

Christa

Oh- Thank you, Chris Tomlin for your song "You're the One" from the Narnia soundtrack. I am in love with this song, and have found some chords on line so I can learn to play it. My roommate is getting sick of hearing it. I think I need to buy some headphones...

C