April showers bring growth.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and in preparation for this day of Thanks, I am reflecting on the past year.

God has been moving in mighty ways this year, and I feel incredibly awed by all He has done.

At the beginning of this year, I was going through my emotional roller coaster. Again. and again...and again. I had gotten to a point where I was considering seeing a professional to see about something to even this out a bit. I did not have many "normal" days. Normal to me means somewhat even keel, with no emotional spikes. As soon as I thought about that, things evened out for a while. I don't know if that was God or if that was Satan backing off so that I would not go to the Recovery ministry at my church.

April of this year, I lost a good friend, Mikee. To think about him and his antics brings a smile to my face. Mikee was in a worship band with me, and he taught me the finer points of playing a tambourine. Yes, there ARE finer points! :) Mikee was a very special man and I still miss him. I look forward to seeing him in heaven. I went to Arizona for the funeral, and the week that followed was pretty close to my version of hell on earth. There was no funeral. The family had to raise money. I was feeling empathy for the family, and at the same time trying to begin mourning a friend when no one else was ready to do that - for obvious reasons. I dreaded returning to Texas and trying to deal with his death when there was no one (who knew him) to share it with. I also did not want to burden the other with my need when they had been dealing with the enormity of our friend's passing for months. They needed a breather more than I needed to grieve with them.

During that visit, I had to confront a friend about a long term behavior that I did not like, and had not liked for a long time. It was very stressful for me as I don't like confrontation, especially if I think I'm going to be attacked for my efforts. Well, I was, but I stood up for myself and we resolved the problem, and we are still friends. That was a LOT of stress though.

The third thing about sent me off the edge. My father was in a motorcycle accident. That day we had met for dinner at a favorite restaurant of ours. After we finished we were going to back to church for a Bible study. If all had gone as normal, I would have been following him when it happened. I honestly don't know what would have happened if I had been. Thinking of that reminds me of how thankful I am that the bike stalled a few times when my father was trying to leave the place we had been. Thankfully my safety-conscious father was wearing all the right gear. His leather jacket was all scraped up, his helmet had to be replaced, and his jeans were not salvagable after the ER got through with them. He was diagnosed with 4 broken ribs. He was admitted to the hospital, and I spent the rest of my time in Arizona sitting in the hospital with my father. Unfortunately I had to leave before he was discharged from the hospital, and that was insanely hard. I did not want to leave him like that, but the consequences of staying were not ones I wanted to face when I returned home.

When I returned, it was right back into my normal life. I did not want to. My little trip had drained me. I knew I still needed to take the time to grieve and think and pray, but my week was SO busy I did not have time. I had scheduled time to deal with this.

I also realized that at no time during the week did I turn to my strength, my protector, the author and perfecter of my days to ask for help, to admit my weaknesses, and for healing and protection. Ok once...but only once. That realization broke my heart.

And that was when Daddy Dave came into the picture. I shared with him what was going on, my frustration with it, and that I don't feel grounded at all. He recommended that I check out the recovery group. It is for people who are suffering with just about anything and are not in a perfect relationship with Christ. That sounded great to me. Anything to get my life under control. Anything to help me deal with this and get back on track...and maybe even a bit better than before.

What I did not know (thank God) was that it was a 12 step program. Now there is nothing wrong with 12 step programs, I had a bad attitude towards them. I did not think that I needed a 12 step plan.

The first week a woman shared her story, and I recognized some of my life in that story. God was telling me to stay put! Over the next several months, God has been showing me that
1. I have made a mess of my life, and I make a pretty poor manager.
2. God is able to manage my life much better than I can.
3. I think i will let Him do that.

These are the essence of the first 3 steps.
Sometimes, those are just enough, until it is time to move on.

Then the work starts. You dig through your past, write down your hurts, who you have hurt, basically lay out your history to yourself.

From there, it is confession time.
It has been my experience that the time spend confessing is not easy, but my sponsor was there to help me see patterns in my life.

Now the rest of the steps are here to help me go forward and learn to be closer to God, and a healthier human being.

I can't wait to see what happens.

I'm glad I don't understand.

Tuesday night I found out that a dear friend of mine passed away from complications of a stroke. He was in his 60's, and was one heck of a guy. I am happy he is with Jesus and that he no longer suffers. I am hurting for his wife and the rest of his family. I don't know how it would feel to lose my husband after 2 years. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be.

I flew to Arizona on Thursday morning to be here for the memorial service. I found out shortly after I arrived that the service will not be until after I leave. I was a bit upset until I was told the reason. The family is poor and does nto have money for the funeral. They have to raise money so that they can bury their loved one. I have no words for how this affects me.

One of the first things planned was time with the old group - everyone who knew Mikee like I did. Many of them better than I did. Tomorrow is the day.

The rest of my time has been spent with my father and brother, with my best friend, her husband and their two children (my god children), and a few other friends. I have enjoyed the time with them. I know there is a part of me that needed the balm they have given me just by being themselves. I have loved on kiddos, watched a dorky, geek movie (absolutely nothing wrong with dorky, geek movies), and have been visually revisiting my old stomping grounds.

The one thing that bothers me just a bit is that no one has asked me how I feel. No one has asked me to talk about Mikee and about the whole reason I flew out here this weekend. I can just imagine that getting into that conversation would be quite a downer when they want to spend time with me, but I am feeling a bit strange that it was not even addressed. To be fair, I feel pretty good. The fact that he is gone has not really struck me yet. I have not been able to sit and start my grieving process. I don't necessarily expect that it will be as my grief was when James died, but I expect that there are tears to shed, and memories to share.

Mikee was a kick. A warm hearted man who loved to use his comedy to bring others closer to God.

I have posted pictures of my god-sons on my Facebook page. I am thrilled to have spent some time with them. Brian and Melissa are wonderful parents. I hope I never have to finish raising these kids. More because Bri and Mel are amazing, and I want these kids to know just how amazing their parents are. I want to write them each a letter to open when they come to know the Lord. I want to think and pray on that for a while before I put pen to paper.

So the other thing that happened this weekend is that I had to have a confrontation with a friend who has been in my life for quite some time. She and I had to discuss how a chosen behavior affects me, and that I should have come to her a long time ago to talk about what was bothering me. God worked out the details, and we are fine now, but it was not at all the easiest conversation I have ever had.

Understandably, she was hurt. I wish I'd had these coping mechanisms when we started our friendship, but I did not. I see how much my words last night had to affect her. I pray that she is able to get past the hurt and see that I came to her because I love her. I want her to be the best version of herself that I can be. it was not easy, but it was definitely worth it.

The title refers to the timing of this trip. There are several completely valid reasons for the timing of this, and I don't know that I will ever understand why I needed to take this time right now. On the other hand, that's not my job. I am going to try and do everything He has for me this weekend, and see what comes out on the other end.

me

...you can never go back.

for the past month or so, I have been seeing Arizona license plates all over Austin.

Strange, right? Yeah, I thought so too.

I don't think it meant anything big, but it turned my mind back to AZ. I have been in Austin just shy of 3 years. I realized that one of the things I miss is having people I can call and say "Hey, lets go see a movie," or "I wanna hang out- you busy?" Not to say I don't have friends in Austin, because there are lots of people I care about. Just nothing at the level I had in AZ. I have been missing that a lot lately.

So why am I in Austin? Ultimately, I don't know.

I know that God brought me there to grow closer to Him. That has certainly happened. My relationship is closer to Him than it has ever been, and my life is more on mission than ever. Yet I still have this insanely strong sense of dissatisfaction that seems to be about what I am doing.
The question I have to ask myself is: is the feeling a prompting from God that I am not yet fulfilling my purpose, or is it an internal, unhealthy desire to do more and control what's going on. I am definitely praying about that.

I just got back to Phoenix yesterday. Last time I was here, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off - helping my friend with his wedding. This time is different. I am able to take time and look around. I am struck by how things have changed, new freeways, new buildings, missing buildings; and how they stay the same. I didn't realize how much I missed seeing the palm trees and the cacti. The weather is perfect, and it's hard to remember how much I really dislike the Arizona summer. Today I plan to go out and take some pictures and meet up with my God sons and best friend.

Tomorrow, those plans are yet to be made. I am taking this short trip one day at a time.

I am thankful I am here, but Austin beckons...calling me back to God's work there.

Eeyore's Birthday

Before I moved here 3 years ago (this year) I started looking at what things make Austin what it is.
*Trail of Lights - cool, especially twirling under the tree at the end of the trail
*SOCO - very cool to just wander around and look at the eclectic shops.
*SXSW (South by South West) and ACL - again very cool music festivals.
*The Bats under the Congress bridge - the largest urban bat colony in the US.
*The University of Texas - I don't think the city would be the same without it. The UT tower...everything under the sun is burnt orange... nope, definitely not the same.
*Town Lake - or Lady Bird Lake and the assorted paths where you can walk, jog, run, ride bike...etc. Beautiful!
*Marathons - oh boy are their marathons!
*The gay pride parade is the same day as the motorcycle parade - they run down parallel streets, one block apart - only in Austin would that work.
*Amy's Ice Cream - it really is too bad that they are not allowed to fling icecream across Congress any more.
* and the one that I have been thinking about every year... Eeyore's birthday. It sounds like fun, like a true Austin festival. Drum circles, family friendly activities held at a local park in our beautiful city.
but...
but...
it seems that all is not as it seems. As I speak with those here at work, I find that this party is a hippy celebration, and on that day, the cops look the other way. This does not mean that I think it is completely bad - for not much really is. What it does mean is that I will approach with caution.

I think we really need to let people with families know what they might find at this festival. It is touted as family friendly, with lots of activities for kids...and I would hate for people to get there and find things they did not expect in an environment that is supposed to be for kids.

I would love to say more...but it is time to go...

Christa

Books...

I just got an email from Amazon advertising the most recent version of the Kindle. A device that will download books and allow you to read them electronically.

I can think of many reasons that this is a good thing. Things like, saving our environment, lessening the amount of storage space needed in our homes, and...well, holding them might actually be more convenient than holding an actual book.

Here's the problem. I like putting my nose in a book (yes, literally...) I like the smell of the pages, especially when they are older. I like knowing that I can touch and feel and have that brief moment of excitement as I turn to the next page. And, it is impracticall to fall asleep on an electronic book - I don't even want to think of the damage a little bit of sleep-drool would do to the device!

So, I throw my attitudes about books in with Captain Kirk. I just want the real thing.

Christa

Reflections...

You know...I am sentimental about a lot of things, but not usually about New Years and the resolutions that come with. However, this year, I find that I am doing a lot more reflection than I recall doing in the past.

Last year was difficult...I am not going to kid anyone about that. I lost more than I wanted to, and have gained more than I thought I could in a year's time. I identify with Job. I have not lost near as much as he did, but I did lose a lot. Some of what I gave was given up begrudgingly, some of it was taken, and some things I just let go of. I speak of material things primarily here.

What I gained was not material - for the most part - it was Spiritual and emotional. Because I was in such a hard place, I had no choice but to lean on God to get me through - that DOES NOT mean that I think of God as an emotional crutch. It means that I learned trust. I learned that God will get me through, no matter what is going on in my life. He does not provide for every want in my life, but he does provide for every need. He showed me that some things I perceived as "needs" were really blessings and "wants" in disguise.

Still I find myself fearful of what I feel called to do. I often ask God why me? Why did he choose such a broken vessel to reach out and help his children? Why did he choose someone who, to all appearances, does not have a solid foundation, to give one to others? I don't understand at all.

There is quite a bit I have been pushing off as well. I have been doing busy work, making quilts and afghans, joining a book club (though that was thought provoking), and slowly reading books I should be focusing on. I want to take several steps this year.

1. I need to get away and take a few days to just walk through the things I have been thinking, spending time with God and asking Him to reveal what I need to know to grow further.
2. I intend to go back to counseling to help me deal with this fear. I have come to the rough conclusion that fear is what has held me back from alot of accomplishments - including weight loss.
3. I want to finish up projects I have been putting off for several years, and remake projects that were lost somehow.
4. I am serious about being the best godmother I can. I am floored by the decision of my good friends, and hope that my promise never has to be fulfilled. Those kids deserve their parents. Yet again, I am trusting God with them.

God has been good, and I know that He walks with me daily. Many times I feel how much I need his presence and how much I depend on His grace to get through the day.

Christa

It has been SOOOO long!

So, I am sitting here on a borrowed computer, just trying to get a few thoughts down before I have to relinquish control back to the Kids Ministry at church.

God has been amazing.

I don't dare even look back at my previous posts to see how I was. Maybe some other time.

God has been drawing me closer to Him in such amazing ways. I love him more now than I ever have in the past. I know that this is just a beginning, and I cannot wait to see how He is going to change me over and over and over again.

I have been letting go of myself. God is gracious enough to remove some of my selfishness. Not all unfortunately, but that is a work in progress.

I have so much to say...

To catch up:
a very good friend is going out of town for 6 months...then she gets married.
Dave and Sunny are going to have a baby next year.
Brian and Melissa have asked me to be godmother to their kids (that is so huge that I still can't completely comprehend it)

Dad came to visit in October, it was wonderful, but not long enough.

I hope that God is showing you amazing and wonderful things about yourself.
For me...I know that will be true.

Christa