I'm glad I don't understand.

Tuesday night I found out that a dear friend of mine passed away from complications of a stroke. He was in his 60's, and was one heck of a guy. I am happy he is with Jesus and that he no longer suffers. I am hurting for his wife and the rest of his family. I don't know how it would feel to lose my husband after 2 years. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be.

I flew to Arizona on Thursday morning to be here for the memorial service. I found out shortly after I arrived that the service will not be until after I leave. I was a bit upset until I was told the reason. The family is poor and does nto have money for the funeral. They have to raise money so that they can bury their loved one. I have no words for how this affects me.

One of the first things planned was time with the old group - everyone who knew Mikee like I did. Many of them better than I did. Tomorrow is the day.

The rest of my time has been spent with my father and brother, with my best friend, her husband and their two children (my god children), and a few other friends. I have enjoyed the time with them. I know there is a part of me that needed the balm they have given me just by being themselves. I have loved on kiddos, watched a dorky, geek movie (absolutely nothing wrong with dorky, geek movies), and have been visually revisiting my old stomping grounds.

The one thing that bothers me just a bit is that no one has asked me how I feel. No one has asked me to talk about Mikee and about the whole reason I flew out here this weekend. I can just imagine that getting into that conversation would be quite a downer when they want to spend time with me, but I am feeling a bit strange that it was not even addressed. To be fair, I feel pretty good. The fact that he is gone has not really struck me yet. I have not been able to sit and start my grieving process. I don't necessarily expect that it will be as my grief was when James died, but I expect that there are tears to shed, and memories to share.

Mikee was a kick. A warm hearted man who loved to use his comedy to bring others closer to God.

I have posted pictures of my god-sons on my Facebook page. I am thrilled to have spent some time with them. Brian and Melissa are wonderful parents. I hope I never have to finish raising these kids. More because Bri and Mel are amazing, and I want these kids to know just how amazing their parents are. I want to write them each a letter to open when they come to know the Lord. I want to think and pray on that for a while before I put pen to paper.

So the other thing that happened this weekend is that I had to have a confrontation with a friend who has been in my life for quite some time. She and I had to discuss how a chosen behavior affects me, and that I should have come to her a long time ago to talk about what was bothering me. God worked out the details, and we are fine now, but it was not at all the easiest conversation I have ever had.

Understandably, she was hurt. I wish I'd had these coping mechanisms when we started our friendship, but I did not. I see how much my words last night had to affect her. I pray that she is able to get past the hurt and see that I came to her because I love her. I want her to be the best version of herself that I can be. it was not easy, but it was definitely worth it.

The title refers to the timing of this trip. There are several completely valid reasons for the timing of this, and I don't know that I will ever understand why I needed to take this time right now. On the other hand, that's not my job. I am going to try and do everything He has for me this weekend, and see what comes out on the other end.

me

...you can never go back.

for the past month or so, I have been seeing Arizona license plates all over Austin.

Strange, right? Yeah, I thought so too.

I don't think it meant anything big, but it turned my mind back to AZ. I have been in Austin just shy of 3 years. I realized that one of the things I miss is having people I can call and say "Hey, lets go see a movie," or "I wanna hang out- you busy?" Not to say I don't have friends in Austin, because there are lots of people I care about. Just nothing at the level I had in AZ. I have been missing that a lot lately.

So why am I in Austin? Ultimately, I don't know.

I know that God brought me there to grow closer to Him. That has certainly happened. My relationship is closer to Him than it has ever been, and my life is more on mission than ever. Yet I still have this insanely strong sense of dissatisfaction that seems to be about what I am doing.
The question I have to ask myself is: is the feeling a prompting from God that I am not yet fulfilling my purpose, or is it an internal, unhealthy desire to do more and control what's going on. I am definitely praying about that.

I just got back to Phoenix yesterday. Last time I was here, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off - helping my friend with his wedding. This time is different. I am able to take time and look around. I am struck by how things have changed, new freeways, new buildings, missing buildings; and how they stay the same. I didn't realize how much I missed seeing the palm trees and the cacti. The weather is perfect, and it's hard to remember how much I really dislike the Arizona summer. Today I plan to go out and take some pictures and meet up with my God sons and best friend.

Tomorrow, those plans are yet to be made. I am taking this short trip one day at a time.

I am thankful I am here, but Austin beckons...calling me back to God's work there.