Some of this will be a repeat of the last post, however, I hope to build upon it as I am discovering my new foundation.

1. My new ministry seems to be with children, and not with music...At least not much music. I am continuing my work with the 2 year olds, but that has expanded. Last week, I lead the teaching time and worship for the 2-6 year olds. I feel good about it, and I had a blast. It was great to see them participating, especially the 2 year olds. They were so sweet! They all sang with me, and it was evident that God was speaking through me. I hope that he will continue to do so. :)

2. I am a bit disappointed, but am determined to let God work here. Adam (the leader of the Kid's Rock band that I was supposed to be a part of) spoke with me and said that he does not see a place for me in the band. At least not a full time part. When I was told that he wanted to get the group cohesive before adding me, I wondered if that would happen. I am excited that I am working in the production area on soundboard. Last week was a bit rough, but was not bad. I will not make the same mistakes again. I think I will make my own tracking sheet for this so that I can keep track of what is going on.

3. Celeste and I are part of a group that is doing our own version of "The Biggest Loser." I am making improvements weekly, and hope that I will soon see my weight dip below 300 for the first time in quite a while. We are currently working on removing sugar from our diet. That is quite difficult. She suspects that my system is overly alkaline, I suspect the opposite. I have some symptoms of both. Currently I am trying to check my pH using Litmus strips. We shall see!

4. My relationship with God is different, and yet frustratingly the same. I want to be reading more, but find that my time is limited. I have to be more disciplined, that has always been a shortcoming of mine, and it is proving to be a frustration now.

I begin to ponder what love is like and if I will ever find a person to truly love. Do I care for myself enough to expand that to someone else? I am working on it. :) I like myself better than I ever have in the past. I feel a peace that I have never felt before (this is a result of the conference last weekend), and I hope that I will be able to use this time as a new foundation for who I will become.

I am curious what God has for me and how these new directions will change me going forward. I hope that I will continue to grow in HIm and that I can somehow get rid of the things in my life that hinder my service of God. This will all take time, and my patience (though growing greatly) is still pushed and I wish things could happen faster.

We shall see where this goes.

Kyeta

KABOOM!!!

That sound you just heard was of my mind exploding.

I have been in Austin for 3 months, and it seems that God is set against my keeping anything recognizable in my life. THank God! Even my ministry has changed.

This weekend I am attending the National Youth workers convention. I cannot explain all that God has already done for me here. It seems that every time someone prays for me, they are saying the things that are exactly relevant to what I have been struggling with inside. I have cried 14 times already (ok 2 of those were at home) and one of them was a doozie. God has opened my heart and is changing my mind as I attend this seemingly innocuous conference. God has already broken me down and released things I have been fighting with for a long time.

I feel as if I have been around these people for years, and the conference started 2 days ago for me. If I was "whelmed" before (is whelmed a word? Overwhelmed is...) I am overwhelmed with God. His presence has been more real to me here than it has ever been before in my life. I am eternally greatful. I realize that this mountaintop experience cannot stay, but I hope to learn how to worship our Father in the valleys.

Someone in my Critical Concerns course said "Have you ever looked at the mountaintops? THey are bare. Look now into the valleys, they are green and lush. This is because things grow in the valley." So the hardest times produce the most growth. I have heard that for a long time, but I don't think I have ever heard so clear an example.

Praise be to God my father,
may I continue to worship Him and learn from HIm daily..

Christa

Six weeks and counting...

I am packing up my stuff - very slowly - and getting ready to leave.

Ok...the packing has not happened beyond the first week, I do have some very good reasons however and intend to begin the packing process again tomorrow.

I am more concerned about me. Robert has been helping me with some of my personal and interpersonal issues. The stuff that we went through when I moved in was easy compared to this. Now we are hitting the heart of what is not functioning well with me. This is now the hard part. I am fighting it, and I don't want to be! That is the frustrating thing! I want to get better, I want to get past the blocks in my brain but seem to be stumbling against my best intentions.

Ok, so here's the deal. (or at least a small part of it)

Currently I weigh 310 pounds. (EEEEEK!!!) I hate writing this down, but I feel that this is part of the purging process. When I was in high school, I fluxuated between 175 and 185 (I weighed less during marching season). At that time my mental image of myself was that of a cow. Literally. The mental image I had of me is the one that now exists on my frame. Nothing like self-fulfilled prophesy.

Countless times in the past 14 years, I have tried to get rid of the weight. SOmething in my brain keeps me from doing that. I seem to get started well, and then about 10 days in, I begin sabotaging myself. I somehow think that it is ok to sneak in the Oreos, or the Snickers bar. How the hell is that ok? It is not! I do not like my body right now, but I am more comfortable in it than I have ever been. My roommate is a big part of that. He has helped me to be comfortable with me. :) I will love him forever for that!

So, the next question is, what am I going to do about this? Well, today I started a 3 day fast. I have only ever done one day before. Three is going to be difficult, but I want to let God know that I am serious about this food issue. It has controlled me in the past, and now, I want God to help me control myself. This is about fixing myself for good. Getting rid of the extra 170 pounds I am carrying around and have the ability to do things that everyone else does. I want to look in a mirror and be proud of what I have accomplished. At 2lb per week, that would be 85 weeks. This means I will be losing weight for the next 20 months or so. That date is December 2007.

December 2007.

Happy new year to me!!! :)

Happy new me. Yeah, that is it. Happy New ME.

I hope that I can get below 290 before I move to Austin, but I am not so sure about that. That is 20lb away...and three months. Ok. SO it is possible. I will do it. In fact...I would love to lose 25 before I leave. That is a really good goal. that takes me to 285 and I will be back in 24's again.

A small start, but more than 10% of what I want to lose...so not bad either.

Christa

In Memory of Kyra


I am not sure I should be writing this now, but I feel the need to express.

I now understand what it is to lose someone to a drunk driver. Losing someone is hard. Losing them in a tragic accident is worse. It compounds when that person is a child. Kyra lived 9 years on this earth. She lived each day to its fullest and spent her words with abandon to anyone who would listen. She was bubbly and intelligent. She loved people.

Kyra's grandmother (who was driving) and her six year old brother came through the accident with lacerations and some road rash. Physically they will be fine. Emotionally...that is to be seen. Micki has strong faith in God, and He has already shown signs of carrying her through this.

I have compassion for the man who hit them. In no way am I condoning what he did, however, I cannot imagine being in his shoes. He has killed a child and now has to live with that for the rest of his life. I do not imagine him as some monster, as some horrible person because I am sure he did not set out that night to do what he did. I imagine that he is an average guy who got drunk for some reason and now has to face this.

I hardly know what to say to Micki. My prayers go up for her (and the rest of the family) consistantly.

I am tired. I do not know what else to sayhere. I am grieving and life has to go on. I know that is why I am tired. I went to work today and tried to pretend that nothing is going on.

me.

Moving to Austin, Texas.

My life has never been about things remaining stagnant - no matter how much I may wish that were the case. I was born in Germany to a military man and his wife. The next 15 years, I lived in England, North Dakota, Michigan, New York, Ohio, and finally settled in Arizona. When we moved here I told my parents that I would not be staying. Now is the time.

About 7 years ago I met Chris Tomlin at Arizona State University. He was touring with the Passion movement Promoting a large meeting in Colorado. I remember enjoying his voice and what he had to say, but he did not stick in my mind until later. The Passion movement, however, did stick with me and has been in my prayers ever since.

7 years ago, I was a baby Christian. I had been saved for 3 years, but I had little exposure to God and to God's people. I did not understand what my faith was all about. God lead me to a church where I was able to learn, grow and discover the beginnings of who I am in Christ. After a few years, I was prompted by the Spirit to move to another church. Through that church and the worship leader there, I discovered my love of recording music. I enjoy everything about it - including the editing process - and that is saying something! I have grown stronger and more knowledgable in my faith, but I am constantly reminded that I still have much to learn. For that I am greatful.

Back to the Passion story.

I then became interested in a group called Watermark. Kristie Knockles voice is absolutely amazing and God used her to speak to me as an artist. She worked with the movement as well, and that becomes important as my story progresses. During this time, I am still praying for the movement and for the lives of the college students who are blessed to be at the functions. I am thrilled that avenue exists. I had been working on my voice and started recording a CD.

Also during this time, I developed a strong admiration for Chris Tomlin. His music connects with me in a powerful way. I will admit that for a while I had a bit of a crush on him...I have to admit that because anyone who knows me will spill the beans! I read his book and became more interested in who he is and more interested in his ministry - which feeds right back to Passion.

October 2004, Chris came to town with Casting Crowns and Stephen Curtis Chapman. The concert was held at the Glendale Arena, and there were between 6-8000 people there that night. The week before the concert, I found myself daydreaming about meeting up with Chris again - if just to be able to tell him how much his ministry means to me. The reality part of my realized that it was so far fetched that I was not even going to think about it. I did not even pray for that to happen - I wanted God to work and for me to remain calm and focus on God.

The concert was amazing. Chris's time of worship blew me away. At one point I was completely in worship, my eyes were closed, my hands in the air. Something prompted me to look at the stage. Chris was on his knees with his hands in the air. The power of that motion hit me like a brick. I was humbled and awed by his humility. The other artists were great as well, but nothing hit me quite like that one moment.

At the end of the concert, Stephen invited anyone who needed prayer to come forward to a prayer partner. I felt lead to go. I argued the Spirit and was prompted again. I went. The time of prayer was a turning point in my life. During the time I spent with that wonderful woman, we were moved twice. The second was after we had finished our prayer. We were told that we were blocking the Star's dressing room, and they wanted to go to their bus. OOOPS! We asked for our apologies to be conveyed, and we were told that they had been praying for us. Wow.

Wow.

We were told to exit the arena through a set of double doors. Behind door #2, I found Chris Tomlin. I was tearstained and shaky, but more grounded than I had been in a long time. I did not want him to notice, infact I tried the jedi mind trick (you see nothing of interest here...) but it did not work. He asked if I was ok and if there was anything he could pray for. I told him yes, I am ok now, and general prayer because it was a bit personal. We spoke about several things that night, about 20 min of conversation. He was gracious. After telling him about our previous meeting, he remembered that he had given me one of his first CD's. I was surprised.

I left in awe that God had given me the desire of my heart and if I had tried to make it happen, it would not have. There was no way for me to have manufactured that meeting.

So I wondered what God was doing, and why I was allowed to experience this. There were (and are) several things I could think of. So I decided to file the information and let God continue to work. I was not going to worry about it.

A few more months go by and I am at another Christian music concert. This one was a mini-festival with many artists. One of which was Watermark. During Toby Mac's performance, I went to the bathroom and met Kristie Knockles in the bathroom. We spoke briefly about making CD's and about her children. I then left.

I was now wondering if both of these events were connected. I was pretty sure they were. So when I got back to my friends (in the lawn seating) I laid on the ground and prayed. It was awesome. I asked God what was going on and for guidance. I was prompted to take a trip to Austin in August of 2005.

I went and met Celeste. She is a good friend now and will be instrumental in my living situation there in Texas. I did not feel lead to move at that time and continued asking God for his answer. His answer until about a week and a half ago was "just wait." Through another series of events, which is a huge story as well, God has said "go." and I am.

I am excited and just about 2% fearful of moving to a new city. :)

Austin Texas, here I come... Are you ready for me????

Christa

My favorite blog: http://www.ctomlin.blogspot.com/

Check out the pictures of Chris's new dog, Lucky!

In other news, I have been dealing with a question that my roommate brought up. The essense of the question is about sex before marriage. I have been doing some extensive searching and have not found a specific instruction saying not to have sex before marriage. It speaks about lustful behavior, and there are references to God celebrating virginity in heaven - which I think speaks volumes, but nothing clear cut.

I have prayed about it, and the answer I got is that it has to do with the commitment to God. Do not have sex outside of marriage because you have not yet made the commitment to God. Otherwise the whole thing breaks down. If there is a difference between having sex while in love with someone besides it just being about lust, then why do we have marriage? What is the point if something God gave us as a gift can be used outside that commitment to God? If two people think they love one another, really think it, and have sex and then do not get married - is that wrong? Yes. If engagement is the key, why does God not talk about engagement - he does with Mary and Joseph, but it is also implied that there could be horrible consequences if Joseph were to leave Mary. It refers to it as a divorce - showing that engagement in that culture means something different than it does in ours. In our culture, engagements come and go (so do marriages...but that is another topic) they are not the strong commitment they were in Jesus day.

So again, is it ok to have sex before marriage? God says not to commit adultary. Adultary is defined as a married man or woman having sex with an unmarried partner. Both can be guilty of adultary. That is a message about married and unmarried people revering the state of marriage and its importance to God. Ok. What about unmarried people? Am I reaching to say that God wants to protect the marriage bed? Should we be protecting it before we get in it?

Another key verse - "the two shall cleave together and become one flesh" from Genesis shows that marriage is more than just a commitment to God, it is a commitment to one another. I think that it also shows that when two people come together, their joining is more than just bodies, it is hearts, souls and spirits joining.

I just looked up the word cleave in the dictionary. The difinitions are as follows:

1. To split with or as if with a sharp instrument. See Synonyms at tear1.
2. To make or accomplish by or as if by cutting: cleave a path through the ice.
3. To pierce or penetrate: The wings cleaved the foggy air.
4. (Chemistry) To split (a complex molecule) into simpler molecules.

I was a bit confused for a moment - but I think the third is the clearest. To cleave foggy air, wings have to move through and change. The fog does not stay the same as the wings move through it.

Is that the clue? Do we know this is happening when someone begins to move us and leave us not changed? No, because there are many people who have been that kind of influence to me. But, I think that it can alude to us moving and making room for that person, that will change us permanently. It changes our shape, and becomes part of us. I think that is the difference. I also begin to think that sex is not the object here, it is an outward expression of what we feel for one another-a gift from our creator.

So how does this fit with the story of Lot's daughters who got their father drunk and got pregnant with him. Their children were blessed by God. Was he considered married to them? I tend to think no because he was not even aware that he was the father. The Bible does not specifically say that what these women did was wrong, but do we see any other women doing that and being applauded? No. Who's to say that God did not recognize their sin but did not choose to make that a part of the story. My roommate used that story as part of his argument. I think that it is a mistake to think that just because it is not said in that story that God was ok with the conduct of these women.

My conclusion here is that God's commands about purity are about the marriage bed. Sex is powerful and affects the soul. I think that even if we love one another, we need to honor marriage by not having sex before marriage - just in case something happens and we do not get married to that person, or the relationship. We may be acting in love - truly but we are acting outside of a commitment to God.

Christa

Thank you for letting me think that through. I know that I ramble a bit...but it is helpful to my thought processes.

I just wanted to post quickly - as school is taking quite a bit of my free time now - that school is going very well.

I find that I am adapting to the online classroom well, and the teacher has commented on my posts several times. All positive!

As before, I am still in my healing process and find that I am overly emotional and sensitive most times. However, knowledge of this will God to bring this to my mind as I am getting that way. I recognize the signs of healing.

Trailady commented to me that maybe God will give me my own family some day. I truely hope so. That is a desire of my heart, however I realize that He knows what will fulfill me. I am willing to accept the blessings He gives.

Things are well otherwise. I hope it is well with you too.

Christa

Happy New Year !

I am going to be trite and say "I can't believe it's 2006 already!"

Ok...it has been said. :) Here's to hoping I have gotten it out of my system.

I liken that comment to the "It is SOOOOO hot outside" comments in the middle of summer. For those just joining us, this becomes important because I live in the Phoenix Arizona area. Of course it is hot! I live in the desert! The average temperature during the summer is 100+ degrees. How could it not be hot?

Ok... that is out of my system too.

I had a good time new Year's Eve, and have some pretty fun pictures of the evening.

I have decided that this new year is about priorities. I have been drifting for some time - drifting personally, spiritually, and even professionally. I have been frustrated at my lack of ability to get done the things that I want to get done in all three of the previously mentioned areas. So, this year is about getting things right, and setting up a system for reevaluation so that I can make sure I am still heading in the right direction.

I do not plan to do this alone. I already have a mentor and a great roommate on my side that I believe God has blessed me with. I also have a stronger desire to go to God with what consider to be smaller issues in my life. Romans 12:1-2 is written on the mirror in my bathroom and has shown up in several places as I have been reading lately. I have a feeling both parts of that are what apply to me. The first part about offering myself up in service to God, but also and equally important is the part about the renewing of my mine. I welcome that renewal. I thank God for all He is doing daily to affect that change in me.

I am also excited about the degree program I have entered. In case I have not mentioned the actual degree here (I am sure I have, but I will say it again!), my major is a BA in Christian Studies focussing on Worship. This suits me to a T, and I cannot see it changing any time soon.

Christa