Waiting and growing

You know...when I was a baby Christian (which lasted a much longer time than I would have imagined) I used to think that God would renew my mind at the snap of His fingers. I wanted the easy solution. I have discovered that most of the time I am unaware that He is making changes until I look back and see the changes in my life.

Most recently, God has been drawing me closer to Him, and He is not doing it in a way that I would have begun to think would even work.

April of last year, God gave me a specific vision. The vision came after a time of struggle during which I gave up something in my life directly to God. I released my hold on it and gave the desire I had up to Him. The day after I gave it up, I had the vision. When it happened, I wrote it down and then began to pray about it. I figured the vision was one of three things; 1 - from God, 2 - from Satan as a distraction, or 3 - from my subconscious because I had not truly given it up. The last of the three grieved me the most.

I did not think about it much for a few weeks because it rattled me so strongly. After a few weeks, I spoke with a very good friend of mine to run it all by her. I told her the entire story and at the end of it, she told me she thought it was from God. Another friend prayed blindly and told me that she also thought it was from God.

At the time, I wanted it to happen quickly. I was SOOOOOO excited. I could barely contain myself. I knew that I could not share details, and still can't for that matter. But I did ask a few people to pray that God would help me remain patient for His timing and that I would learn all I needed to learn.

It is 14 months since the vision. God has used this time to bring me closer to Him than I have ever been in my life. He has asked me to depend on him in my financial life and in everything I have and am. God has not done this quickly, but He has done it. :) I have been brought to a place where I knew some of what God wanted/wants from me, but knew that I was unable to do it on my own. I sobbed harder than I have in a very long time and told him that I knew I was not able to do it. I did not know how. I asked Him to help me with those changes.

Do I still struggle with the old me? Yes, sometimes. More so when Satan is whispering in my ear. I know those are attacks, but do not always recognize them immediately. I am working on that.

As for the vision... God continues to give me strength and hope - even when it seems hopeless. He gives me confirmation that He is still working on this in my life. I continue to pray that I do not block His work and that others involved will go with Him through whatever they need to so they are prepared as well.

I know that God loves me - more than I can even begin to understand. I know that He has a plan for me. I just have to continue growing closer to Him and allowing Him to change me.

I hope it is soon...this waiting is difficult.

Christa

Here I am just outside of Seattle. I am staying in a little town called North Bend. (for some reason, I keep thinking about South Bend Indiana...) I have been here since Wednesday night, and I am loving it. I am about 35 min outside the city, and it is amazingly gorgeous out here. There is a river that runs right behind the house where I am staying. All I have to do is go out about 50' and there it is! It is gorgeous and I can hear it all day long.

On Sunday, I visited The Pathways church in Mill Creek. The pastor at that church went to Central Christian Church in Mesa, Arizona at the same time I did. I found out that one of the people who also goes there (John Chandler and family) are moving to Austin in the next month. From that, I have had a flurry of new (old) friends on Facebook. Several of them I have not spoken to in several years. Most of these are people I met about 10 or 11 years ago. We were all in the college group together. I found out that almost all of them are married now with kids.

I know that God has a plan and timing for my life. I just feel so left behind. I am going to be 35 this year. When my parents were this age, I was turning 11! It is now getting to that time when being pregnant is more risky for me. I am concerned about this. I know that God has been working on me...and I am getting caught in the trap of comparing my life to that of others. I need to ask God to help me stay focussed on the things He wants me to learn.

So, a few tears have fallen, but I know that it is going to be great the wayGod has it for me.

What is worship?

The Bible tells me that true worship of God is to serve his people; feed the hungry, visit those in jail, clothe the naked, take care of widows.

I am asked to love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind. Love him...

What does it mean to love him?
We all know the Biblical definition of love - patient, kind, keeps no record of wrongs...etc (1 Corinthians 13). God is love. We are not love, but we can be in love, we can have love.

Is worship then a form of love? Can it be more than love? Can it be less than love? Can it be something other than love?

First back to my original question...what is worship?

Millions of people around the world worship gods. They do many things from the mundane to the absurd, to the extreme and violent.

Why do people do these things in the name of worship? What is it that they are trying to accomplish. It seems that there should be a point for the rituals and ceremonies we perform. Is worship a form of earning praise or attention or even favor in the after-life? Sometimes. Is worship a way to absolve a person of their guilt and shame? I think it can be an attempt to do so.

These questions come up because I just watched "The Fountain." It occurred to me as I was watching this movie that the main character loved his wife to the point of worshipping her. He could not conceive of living without her. She found peace in the idea that her body would become part of the earth and would become part of the grass and the trees...and therefore would feed the birds and fly with them. She would become part of what is in nature. That was enough for her. He saw her peace with this idea and clutched this with all he had. He did not believe in the idea, he believed in her. The movie is too complex for me to explain here. It did get me thinking...

He could not live without her. Was his trust in something trustworthy? No. I think that if something is going to save me from the life I have, it has to be bigger, be more than me - by quite a lot.

I will have to finish this later...I got distracted by a phone call with a few friends.

This will be worked on this week! (I certainly have the time to do so!)

me.