You know that you are on the right track when Satan comes on the attack. He sure did this weekend. I was SO beaten up that when it came time to spend time with God, I was distracted and felt distanced from God. I know He was right there...I was having a hard time letting go of me.

On the way home, I began to think about what the issue was today. I wanted to work it all out so that I do not have to spend another Sunday worship service like that one. I pulled out my journal and as I began to write, I realized that Satan had been lying to me all day long. I typed out a list of about 15 lies (and there may have been more) that had been whispered in my ear all day long. All the lies were in conflict with who I think I am, and who GOd knows I am...but affected me just the same. I would like to be better at identifying the enemy's attacks when they are happening so that I can ask for prayer from fellow brothers or sisters and get the attackers to leave!

The good news is that I ended the journaling session with a list of things that God had done for me that day. I know I missed some, but writing out what I could think of at that moment was a balm on my spirit. Somehow those things calmed me and helped ease the upset I had inside.

I need to remember that over the next few weeks and months as I start building my business full time. I am still scared, but I need to make this work. It is either do, or lose everything.

I choose not to lose!!!

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

The first line (all credit to Laura... who wrote Indescribable) of this song makes me think about the beauty of rugged mountains, or the raw beauty of the desert. I contrast that with the soft light found in deep water. THe deepest water is pitch dark and holds creatures we will be able to see (I assume) when we get to heaven. It holds mysteries we cannot even fathom (much like a woman does!).

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

If God knows the names of the stars, how much more would he know my name when I was created by Him to choose to worship Him.
Have you been brought to your knees in worship lately? Have you sobbed because of the awesomeness of God? It is interesting to be in that place. You ARE amazing God!

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

"You see the depths of my heart, and You love me the same"
Wow. I know what is on the surface of my heart and sometimes that is bad enough.

How much do I love my God? Enough to want to love Him more and enough to let Him teach me how much He loves me. To become vulnerable to Him, to open myself up to let go of those things I hold on to for security that are not of Him. To become openly, absolutely dependent upon the God I love. To learn how to live in His glory, His plan and with His strength and love for all His creation.

Wow...that is a big calling. I pray God will help me to continue learning how to become the above person. I am closer than I was, but have a ways to go in completing my journey.

Christa

Currently I am reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge.

I am touched by how much my heart is responding to the words and encouragement found in the first chapter. The whole point of the book is that God created us to be Male and Female, each with our own strengths. Many books, Christian and Non-Christian, encourage women to adopt masculine traits and ignore those that make us who we are as women. There is a reason we like the romantic movies where women are loving and are rescued by the man. We love being told we are beautiful, and we like to know we are relied upon.

I just recently went through a couple of days worth of conversation where I learned a lot about things that had been hidden in my heart and about my worth to others and to God.

I got a call from someone I used to love who hurt me badly. I got over the heartbreak, and have ended up as friends with this person. The problem is that I still had some hurt and rejection burried in my heart. I did not understand that things this person did while we were in our relationship were reflections of how much he respected me, how much he revered me. I thought he was being distant and was telling me (non-verbally) that I was not worth as much to him because he did not act the same with me as he did with other women.

My affirmations:
1. I am more precious than rubies.
2. I am a daughter of God and am valuable as such.
3. I am much better than I give myself credit for.
4. I am worthy of a wonderful man to marry and spend the rest of my life with.

I can't believe how fast this year is going!

I have signed another lease with my roommate. We are signing from NOvember 2007 to November 2008. I honestly don't think I will be there the entire year and the charge for breaking the lease is not that bad.

Mom and dad are still in the process of their divorce. It is still difficult for all involved. As much as PJ and I don't want to be, we are. It is not as traumatic as it was when I was 8, but it is sad. As I look forward in my life, I would like to be married some day. I want to have kids and such - what I do not want is what my parents had. Matt nailed it right on the head with his marriage series. I want my relationship with my husband to reflect the relationship GOd has with us. I want to be an image bearer. I want that relationship to bless God, which in turn will bless us.

I am excited about my business. I love helping people. I pray all the time that God would help me get through this initial time of struggle. I know that I can help people. I know that I can do everything it takes to help others. I have the desire, and will soon have the licenses to do so.

I know that people out there are drowning. I know that God wants to help them. I just need to get off my duff and work. It is my lack of initiative that has been holding me back. I have been helping a few clients here and there, but I want there to be more. I want there to be so many that I have to quite progressive so that I can help them all.

I have to go now...much earlier than I thought.

Have a good night y'all!

Christa