It's been almost 4 years since I moved to Texas.
During that time much has changed, but have I?
I have to say that I have.
I have heard a lot recently that God will allow you to go through a lot to bring you closer to Him. For me, that has not been as much as some, but more than I wanted - that's for sure!
Who was God to me when I moved here? I will say that I knew Him, believed in Him, was trying to live for Him. However, the relationship I had heard about, the depth of knowing, and being in Him was missing. I did not understand (and in many ways still don't) how much I was missing His presence in my life.
God brought me here to allow Him to change my heart, to challenge my life, and to help me remove the blinders I had on.
I sang on a stage because I could. Because I knew that was something I was good at. I did sing to God sometimes, but not near as often as I could have. Often I was distracted; thinking about cues and being thrilled by harmonies; and even thinking about what other people were doing/feeling. I was not often taken up and focussing completly on my God, on the one who gives me life! I have tears welling in my eyes as I type this.
I had thought that the best thing I could do with my life - and amazingly enough the only thing that will fill my empty parts - would be to get married, raise children, and love my husband. I yearned for it SO much that I raised it to idol status. I put it in front of my relationship with Christ, I used it as a measure of my self esteem, and even judged my worth based on how many of my friends were still single or in relatinships. You know - on that score sheet, I could not help but lose. God has not yet shown me who or if I will spend any of my life married. I do want that, but I know and am trying to trust that He knows what is best.
That is an amazing struggle. To let go and trust that God is working all this out for the best life, and for the best for His kingdom. I am sometimes not resigned to spending the rest of my life as a single woman. I worry about lonliness, and am concerned about retirement, and yes, sometimes my self worth is wrapped up in worldly things and measurements. I find it very hard to look at myself as valuable to God, loved by Him. I often don't think of Him through the days, minute by minute, knowing that He is in every detail of my day - from my dead car battery to the customer who screamed at me for her husband's mistake.
Currently I have Shane and Shane, Psalms in my ear.
the song - the Answer just came on. Here are the lyrics:
I've tried more of me
and I've come up dry
trading You for things
things that go away
My happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
Ihave found the answer is to love Youand be loved by You alone
Alright! Alright ! Alright!
You crucify me and the world to me
and I will only boast in you
Alright! Alright! Yeah!
I'm so satisfied
at the thought of You
growing up in me
covering everything
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
*************************
What beautiful words!
I used to be the person who drew attention to things about me before others could because I NEEDED the attention, or the approval, or both. It's not like that now. It is easier for me to let it go when I feel the need to say something about my new haircut, or to be loud in a conversation just because I feel I won't be heard. I have done that and more.
God has been healing my heart and my soul.
I am reading in Hebrews right now, and I found the following in Chapter 4.
Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. 2For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.
A call to faith. A requirement to trust. A reminder to rest. Rest!
To rest, recharge, to allow God to restore my soul one day during the week. Do I let HIm? Not as often as I should, but I am making steps - everything is steps with me. rarely do I just jump right in. (even though it may seem that I do) I know God can do things immediately, however, will he? not often, at least not in my case. and that could have everything to do with how stubborn I am.
So today, I remember to thank God for all He has done for me. To rest in His restoring power, and especially to try and feel that I am loved truly and deeply by God.
Amazing.
